DEAR HARRIETTE: Every time my ex starts dating someone new, the new girlfriend will follow me on social media.
My ex-boyfriend and I have been broken up for several years. The two of us do not speak anymore, but we still have each other as friends on Facebook.
He’s dated probably two or three girls since he and I have been broken up; all of them have followed me on social media. What could this mean?
Friendly New Girlfriends
DEAR FRIENDLY NEW GIRLFRIENDS: This means that your ex is talking about you.
Clearly he is including you in his life even though you are no longer together. Otherwise, there would be no way for them to know about you — unless your relationship was widely known in your community.
If this makes you uncomfortable, talk to him about it.
Ask him why he thinks his girlfriends gravitate to you. Without making a big deal out of it, check in with him to see where his head is. It is likely that he reminisces about you to them, making you a part of their world even as they are not a part of yours.
As long as they are engaging from a distance, benignly through social media, there’s probably nothing to worry about.
The question is: What does your ex want? Find out.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend is very performative when it comes to social causes, and it bothers me.
I cannot tell how genuine her support is because it seems that everything she does is for show. There are no actions behind her words. I think she only supports certain movements (e.g., Black Lives Matter and preventing the enforcement of the Texas abortion law) as a trend.
How do I approach her about this?
Performative Friend
DEAR PERFORMATIVE FRIEND: Before you approach your friend, check in with yourself. What specific actions do you wish your friend would take? What are you willing to challenge her on to encourage her to do more than talk? What do you think is realistic to ask of her?
With those answers, go for it. Rather than trying to break her down about whether she does more than talk, encourage her to do specific things. Perhaps you know about a charitable project that focuses on work she says she appreciates that’s in need of donations. Tell her about it and suggest that she make a contribution. Encourage her to sign petitions to change laws she doesn’t like. Encourage her to take the next step. Talking about it is the way you begin, but action is how you effect change. Ask her what actions she thinks would be worthy of consideration.
You should also accept that many people do simply talk a good game and don’t back it up with action. If your friend does not change, stop judging her and focus on what you care about. Align yourself with others who share your values.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
