What bullying looks like for kids in 2021: Seacoast experts say parents must listen

Bullying seems like an ageless problem, with so-called "mean" kids picking on kids who are unable to stand up for themselves. Now the internet and social media has raised the bar on bullying.

"There is a difference between teasing and bullying that we need to understand," said Dr. Emad Milad, a child and adolescent psychiatrist at Wentworth Health Partners-Great Bay Mental Health. 'Teasing is good natured, where bullying is intended to hurt, to cause a person harm. That harm can be physical or emotional, but both are devastating."

October is Bullying Prevention Month with the goal to raise awareness about the effects of bullying and of cyberbullying.

"Statistically, 29% of students express that they have experienced a classic form of bullying at some point in their life," said Justin Looser, director of behavioral health at Portsmouth Regional Hospital. "When it comes to cyberbullying, that number rises to 38%, and that is up 17% from 2018. Bullying remains pretty prevalent."

Milad said he has seen a lot of kids through the years who suffer the effects of being bullied. He said he lost one to suicide, a child he only identified as being between the ages of 8 and 14.

"Bullying happens when someone perceives themselves to be in a position of power, due to either physical strength or attitude," Milad said. "They act against someone they perceive is less powerful than themselves. The intention is to cause harm."

The different ways bullying happens

There are many forms of bullying. It can be physical, verbal, spread by rumors or someone being purposefully excluded from a group. It can happen in person, or online through social media.

"Kids can be mean," Milad said. "They know they are being mean and sometimes they like it. They like the power they feel from putting another person down. This is abuse that can be ongoing. It's hostile and will truly impact the child on the receiving end."

Playground bullying is bad, but Milad said cyberbullying is often much worse.

"This is a whole new game," he said. "The child being harassed no longer feels safe even in their own home. The bully can reach a much larger audience and many times can stay somewhat anonymous, so they feel it's OK to say anything."

Cyberbullying can be anonymous, remain on the internet forever, and reaches kids in their homes where they were once safe from their tormentors.

Looser said other kids often go along with it, to stay part of a clique. He said they don't want to be left out and that's their major concern, so it worsens.

"Anyone can type words into cyberspace," Looser said. "They have no idea of the impact it has, of how it will affect someone. Kids can be really cruel to each other."

The impact of bullying can be severe

Milad said a child who is bullied will be anxious, depressed, possibly even clinically depressed. 

"They are afraid to go to school," he said. "In school, they are unable to concentrate because of their fear of being beaten, harassed. Their self esteem plummets and their sleep is disrupted."

Looser said that only 26% of kids being bullied actually report what is happening to an authority figure.

"They tend to internalize what's happening," he said. "They are living in fear. It takes away from everything they do, every day."

Help has to come from parents and from teachers and other school staff.

"Parents can talk to their children and they need to really listen to their child to learn what is going on," Milad said. "Parents of the child doing the bullying need to help them understand the impact of their behavior. Some children who behave this way are themselves insecure and they project their insecurities onto others through their behavior."

At school, Milad said teachers need to monitor behaviors and to be prepared to intervene when necessary. 

"Parents, guardians, teachers, and any authority figure spending time with kids need to have a keen sense of awareness of what is going on between groups," Looser said. "They should be monitoring screen time, note what apps are up on the screen. Parents might want to limit screen time. Schools can take a more proactive role in educating kids about how cyberbullying affects other kids. School-wide, there needs to be zero tolerance for bullying."

Milad said he knows some schools have a zero tolerance policy. He said that policy should be adopted at all grade levels.

"Peer counseling is a great way for kids to reach out and talk with someone on their age level," Looser said. "It can really help a kid to realize he is not alone, that this happens to others and that there are people who want to help. Only 26% report, but maybe if we normalize seeking help, it might become more powerful."