GARY NEVILLE IS A RED! HE HATES TORIES!
When The Fiver’s stereotypical bucket hat-wearing, Oasis-loving, sorted young Mancunian cousin Our Kid Fiver was out prowling the streets of his native city this morning, he were dead surprised to see Gary Neville standing in the cold doing an interview with a TV crew. Presuming Gary was holding court on the subject of Salford City’s Pizza Trophy defeat at the hands of Tranmere last night, or how top Ole is at this management lark, he wandered over to get his face in shot so he could wave to his extended family of stereotypical cousins around the world.
But what’s this? Gary weren’t holding court on the subject of Salford City or their next manager, but had once again flown in the face of the unsolicited advice of his self-appointed advisors on social media disgrace Twitter and decided not to Stick To Football. Veering off script, he was instead telling the audience of Good Morning Britain how unfair it is that the Conservatives will be taking £20 a week from the UK’s poorest by reducing universal credit.
Getting stuck into his fellow guest, the former Tory MP Edwina Currie, who seems to labour under the misconception that everyone in the UK who receives benefits is unemployed, Gary went in commendably two-footed. “Well, let me just translate what Edwina just said: ‘I’m OK here, we’re OK here,’ which is the first thing a Conservative person does,” he said. “They look after themselves. The language is always divisive, it’s not helpful. It’s really dangerous to remove universal credit payments at this moment in time. It’s brutal.”
But as the brand new saying goes, Tories gonna Tory and it turned out Gary, one of several footballers doing the job of the opposition front bench, might as well have been howling at the moon. With his estimated personal wealth of £200m, the chancellor of the exchequer Rishi Sunak doesn’t need to worry about the odd score here or there and from today his wheeze to further punish those already in penury in a brazen demonstration of his party’s unsurprising brutality is up and running.
Watching Boris Johnson bluster and bumble through his own address to an audience of fawning lickspittles at a Manchester convention centre this morning, Our Kid Fiver couldn’t help but notice that the prime minister studiously ignored the contentious topic of the biggest single welfare cut of all time, empty shelves or any other bad news, choosing instead to Stick To Football. Taking a metaphorical stroll through those famous sunlit Brexit uplands, Johnson cited the defeat of the mooted €uropean $uper £eague as one big benefit of leaving the EU, despite the fact the two events were in no way related. It was no great surprise, coming from a duplicitous charlatan who was famously a huge fan of the €$£ … before he learned it was unpopular and changed his mind accordingly.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Rob Smyth at 7.45pm (UK time) for red-hot minute-by-minute coverage of Italy 2-1 Spain in the Nations League semi-final, while Simon Burnton will be on hand at 8pm for updates on Chelsea 3-1 Wolfsburg in Women’s Big Cup.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It’s quite large, I would say. I think it’s a bit like that in the biggest clubs” – Martin Ødegaard gives a gloriously literal answer to a question by Scandinavian hacks about what the Arsenal dressing room is like.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
The latest edition of Football Weekly is here, in which Max Rushden and Barry Glendenning speak to Paul Merson about his new book Hooked.
FIVER LETTERS
“Human resource management and public speaking guru Phil Brown finally masterminded a home win for Southend last night – albeit after recalling striker Sim Akinola who he had ignored for months and made train with the under-23s after declaring: ‘He’s not my cup of tea.’ Phil revealed that he’d called the forward on the eve of the game to say that he might get a run but that Akinola initially hadn’t ‘recognised his number’ (more great quotes here). They had a coffee and a chat – strangely no tea or humble pie – before Brown delivered his belated strategic masterclass in the 1-0 win v Eastleigh. So happy were Blues fans with the victory that some spotty kids ‘stormed’ the pitch afterwards to ask chairman Ron Martin out; I think that’s what they meant” – Bryan Matthews.
“So, Lord Ferg thinks that Li’l Ole should start matches with his best players (yesterday’s Fiver letters). If memory serves, Ole came off the subs’ bench to win the Big Cup last century. Does that mean that Ole wasn’t one of his b — nope, stop, I get it now. Nice one, Fergie! Get that jab in” – Mike Wilner.
“Much as I love a bit of 90s nostalgia, I think sticking up a pic of MDF-botherer Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen instead of Phil Brown above your bit about Southend was a bit much” – Tom Paternoster-Howe.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Bryan Matthews.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Football Australia is to investigate allegations of sexual harassment, indecent assault, grooming and bullying made by Lisa De Vanna. The former international forward has called for “consequences” and “accountability”. Emma Kemp hopes the governing body will learn lessons from the past.
Sport Club São Paolo’s William Ribeiro has been charged with attempted murder after the player kicked a referee in the head during a lower league game. The official, Rodrigo Crivellaro, was taken to hospital but later released. The shocking incident took place on the day of the club’s 113th anniversary.
Bradford Pretty, a 50-year-old father-of-three who posted an “abhorrent” video on Facebook racially abusing Marcus Rashford, Jadon Sancho and Bukayo Saka, has been handed a suspended sentence.
Newcastle have been given a takeover boost after Saudi Arabia lifted its ban on BeIN Sports because, of course, that’s the main concern here and not human rights abuses.
Skelmersdale United youth coach Darren Wildman has called for “common sense” after he was fined for leading his team off the pitch following one of his players being subjected to homophobic abuse.
The Glazer family has put 9.5 million shares in Manchester United, worth £137.12m, up for sale. Critics of the owners may not be surprised to hear that proceeds from the sale, which equate to around 8% of the Glazers’ holding, will not benefit the club.
Fara Williams, who retired at the end of last season, is the WSL’s first ever Hall of Fame inductee. “She’s one of those players that can do something special when you least expect it,” tooted panel chair Kelly Simmons.
And Ilkay Gündogan is officially five times more responsible than Stereophonics, having pledged to pay for 5,000 trees to be planted following natural disasters in Germany and Turkey. “It is particularly important that we set an example,” he Chris Packhamed. “Even in primary school, we learn how important trees are for mankind and for our climate.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Birmingham’s Troy Deeney opens up to Donald McRae about seeing two therapists and “getting into the nitty-gritty” of his traumatic past.
Roberto Mancini wants Italy “to go even faster” as they plot to scupper Spain at another semi-final stage in tonight’s Nations League tussle. Nicky Bandini reports.
Dissatisfied with the lower-league footage you see? Bear in mind that the sole cameraperson has probably been clinging to an ancient scaffold towers for dear life. Paul Buller is one such hero.
“The kid has it” why-I-oughtas Philadelphia Union manager Jim Curtin, pert at the rise of USA! USA!! USA!!! upstart Brenden Aaronson, centre-stage in his side’s World Cup push.
Buy a classic sport photograph: Goodbye Jimmy Greaves, goal machine extraordinaire.
Overcoming stiff points deductions and The Plague Of The Yellow Kit … all this and more in this week’s Knowledge.
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