Overcoming a Martyr Complex

Psychologists use the term martyr complex to refer to someone who chooses to feel and act like a victim. Like a people-pleaser, a person with a martyr complex will sacrifice his or her own needs to please others. But a martyr also feels helpless—trapped and victimized by other people’s demands.

There certainly are true victims—people who are being hurt or have been hurt, people who are controlled, oppressed, and cannot escape or respond differently, or they will be hurt or killed. However, many adults with codependency or a martyr complex have been hurt, but are not truly helpless and can choose to live differently.

How a Martyr Complex Develops

In families and cultures, martyrdom is encouraged, valued, and expected (especially in women). You may have grown up in such a family.

Let’s take a look at one family to see how a martyr complex can develop:

Sam was only five years old, and his mom lost her temper and yelled at him, as she often did, and Sam started to cry, as any five-year-old would.

Instead of comforting him, Sam’s mom makes it all about herself. She starts to cry: “I’m the worst mother ever. I never do anything right.” Sam’s mom has knowingly or unknowingly manipulated this situation so that she is now the injured party and Sam is comforting her. “It’s okay, Mama. You’re the best Mama. I know you didn’t mean it.” Sam needed his mother’s love and reassurance but didn’t get it.

Sam’s feelings were never acknowledged, his pain was never comforted. He learned that his mother’s needs are more important than his own and that he shouldn’t have feelings or needs.

He had to take care of his mother’s needs and make her feel better. And if he didn’t, there were consequences. His mother would withhold all affection, and she'd give him the silent treatment and retreat to her bedroom, leaving Sam and his little sister alone for hours.

Sam was valued not for the person he was, but for what he could do for his mother. He could comfort her, he could entertain his sister, and he could bring mom her medicine when she had a headache.

Not surprisingly, Sam continues this in adulthood. He does everything for everyone else. Sam’s well-liked and successful. Why wouldn’t he be? He has poor boundaries and rarely says “no” because he feels guilty. Sam’s exhausted from overextending himself.

Deep inside he’s afraid no one will want him or love him if he does anything to displease them. By age five, he already knew that his mom’s love was conditional and that he had to earn her love.

Sam’s unaware of most of his own feelings and needs. But, Sam can only keep his feelings tucked away for so long. They start to bubble up as resentments and then as snide remarks said under his breath or passive-aggressive moves. For example, he frequently complains to his girlfriend about how has to work late.

Overcoming a Martyr Complex

1. Express your needs. If you’re not getting what you need in your relationships, it’s time to start asking for it. People can’t read your mind or read between the lines of your passive-aggressive comment, and you must explicitly and kindly tell them.

This, of course, will feel very strange. You’re trying to undo some long-time pattern, and it takes practice to figure out what you’re feeling and what you want. Give yourself time and practice. Journaling and therapy are excellent places to practice.

2. Set boundaries. When you start to express your needs, you may be afraid of rejection or worry that you’ll end up alone. So, start with a small request or change. Maybe tell your coworker that you can’t cover for him while he’s on vacation or tell your partner that you need an hour of personal time this weekend.

Some people may be angry when you set boundaries. But most people will adjust to reasonable limits and requests.

3. Recognize that you have choices. When you start setting boundaries, you may discover that a friend or family member is only interested in what you can do for them. They aren’t interested in your feelings and needs. This can be a painful realization.

When it happens, you face an important decision.

Do you want to have a relationship with someone who takes without giving or makes demands without being willing to compromise or being concerned about your feelings?

Are you willing to sacrifice your health and happiness for someone else’s?

If you must have a relationship with such a person, can you change anything to minimize the harm?

It’s not easy to distance yourself from friends, family, or lovers—even when they take advantage of you or disrespect you. And if you’re not ready to, that’s okay.

Just knowing that you have choices—even if you choose not to exercises them—can free you from martyrdom and a victim mindset.

©Sharon Martin. A version of this post was also published at Psychcentral.com.