I just want to wear this one. Is there anything wrong with that? This is causing so much unnecessary stress between us — one of us isn’t seeing things correctly. Is it me? He’s taking it as an insult and wants me to either accept a ring from him or wear the emerald on a different finger. What’s going on here?
— Engaged
Engaged: Could be both of you.
I'm long (and loudly) on the record against engagement rings as a dated and icky expectation, so keep that in mind as I say this: It is not cool to tell one's fiancee the ring is out because you'd rather not bother. But his “I don't want to spend money” might cue us to something deeper.
So was that his phrasing, or your interpretation of his meaning? Is there background here, making his position consistent and reasonable — say, that you're both saving for some other priority? Have you had past discussions about why diamonds/engagement rings and their traditions are problematic?
He might have a legitimate position against a ring that he’s not expressing well and that you already understood even before you got engaged. If that’s the case, then you can probably draw a reasonable conclusion that he feels shown up by the emerald, and embarrassed that you’re wearing something he didn’t, couldn’t or wouldn’t give you, and just hasn’t been able to articulate that. Switching the ring to your other hand would probably fix it (but leave his thin skin and poor communication skills unaddressed).
Another possibility, not legitimate, is that he’s jerking you around, wanting to control the message and bristling at you taking it over. That’s obviously a problem beyond jewelry.
So ask him to explain why he's so upset, even if you have to offer the phrasing: “You take this ring as an insult. Am I reading that correctly?” And keep drawing out from there. Someone who “hates” something you love owes you at least an attempt at the why.
Readers' thoughts:
· You’ve had the ring for a while but you never wore it much. Since you got engaged, it’s on your ring finger every day. That doesn’t sound like it’s really about how much you love your grandma’s ring; it sounds like you decided unilaterally to make it your engagement ring. You and he need to talk this all through till you agree, honestly, about what you both want to do for an engagement ring: none/Grandma’s ring/new ring. From there, you can decide what to do with Grandma’s ring — and your engagement.
· If he doesn’t want them to spend a lot on a ring (reasonable), but she wants one (also reasonable), and they cannot choose one of several straightforward ways to resolve this issue, then they should probably not get married.
