DEAR HARRIETTE: When my husband drinks, he gets nasty — and he drinks a lot. Worse still, the next day he doesn’t remember what he did or said the night before.
I feel like this behavior only got worse while we were home for so long due to COVID-19.
I have had enough. I’m tired of him cursing at me, telling me I don’t know anything, screaming — and then telling me I’m crazy for saying he’s screaming. It really is out of control.
Plus, we have started hanging out with other people of late, and he has embarrassed me around them. It’s bad enough for him to berate me privately, but now he has done it in front of witnesses.
What can I do to get him to stop? When he is sober, he is kind and sometimes funny, but he has no recollection of that other side.
Dr. Jekyll
DEAR DR. JEKYLL: If possible, use your smartphone to record your husband — discreetly! — the next time he is drunk and out of control. When your husband is sober, show him the footage so that he can see how he behaved.
Being a witness to his own behavior may help to open his eyes. It can be a conversation starter as well. You can use it to point out that not only does his behavior turn negative, but he seems to have no memory of it. That should be cause for alarm.
Ask your husband to stop drinking and to seek out help to deal with whatever his emotional issues are that trigger the negativity toward you. Tell him you are tired of being treated this way. It must end now. Be prepared to establish consequences if your husband does not change.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My brother has been looking for a home for months and has finally found an affordable studio apartment.
He’s excited to move into his own place, and I’m happy for him, but I’m nervous about the neighborhood that he will be living in. I’ve heard bad things about that neighborhood my whole life, and I don’t know what I would do if something happened to him.
How can I ensure my brother’s safety in this sketchy new neighborhood? He’s already signed the lease; is it too late to convince him to back out?
Worried Sister
DEAR WORRIED SISTER: Call your brother and tell him you need to talk. Express your concerns for his safety in this new neighborhood.
Acknowledge how happy you are that he took the initiative and found a place to live, but note that you worry about whether this place is safe. Ask him if he walked around and checked out the area. Encourage him to get the full picture of how the neighborhood is now, given that it has long had a bad reputation.
Please know, however, that even in some “sketchy” neighborhoods, if you treat your neighbors well, they will often look out for you. Rather than trying to convince your brother to break his new lease, encourage him to create bonds with the people who live near him so that he can become a protected and vital new resident.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
