5 Reasons Narcissistic Parents "Replace" Their Children

People who are high in narcissism often struggle to connect with people in an emotionally healthy manner. Instead, they may surround themselves with people who can meet their needs in a “least effort” kind of way (on the part of the narcissist, that is). They may seem to need a supply of people who make them feel special and superior.

Their "narcissistic supply," as this is called, may also rely on people who can be manipulated in order to defend, and join in with, the narcissist’s bad behaviour towards others and who are prepared to put up with being badly treated themselves. Children can serve as a source of ready-made supply for a narcissistic parent who can shape and mould their child in the way they want, given the inherent power differentials in that relationship.

In some cases, however, children of narcissists find themselves seemingly replaced in their parent's eyes. Often, they’re "replaced" with a child of a similar age and gender, although they may find themselves replaced with a different type of person who replicates aspects of the parent-child relationship.

My client Rosie, for example, described how she was "replaced" by a surrogate child when she was fourteen: “My mother started working with this charity and became extremely attached to a fifteen-year-old girl," she recalled. "Everything became about this girl. She started calling her ‘my daughter’ and claimed to have adopted her, even though there was nothing legal in place. She had no interest in me after that. I was supposed to just get on with it. I was devastated and when I acted out, I was told I was jealous and nasty.”

The effects of being replaced in this way can feel deeply traumatic. The child is not only dealing with abandonment; they're also coping with being compared to someone else and being found wanting. They're being told, in essence, that they're not good enough to receive the love and attention that someone else is deserving of—even though they, as the parent’s child, should presumably be the one person who automatically receives that love and attention.

These children may go through life with a deep sense of shame, feeling that they are unlovable and worthless. They may find themselves replicating these relationships in adulthood by attracting romantic partners who confirm their feelings of defectiveness and worthlessness. Being replaced by a parent is one of the strongest messages a child can receive.

Why Do Narcissists Find Surrogate Children?

This behavior may happen for a number of reasons.

1. They cannot handle complex relationships.

Narcissists tend to be emotionally immature. As soon as a relationship becomes more emotionally complex—which often happens as a child transitions from adolescence to adulthood—the narcissistic parent may feel threatened. It might be easier for them to simply "replace" the emotionally complex person with someone who is easier for them to deal with.

Martin, whose father became very attached to a boy on the same football team, said, “Dad was pretty good with me when I was little, but he just didn’t seem to know what to say to me when I became a teenager. I suppose I was quite sensitive and thoughtful—but although I desperately wanted to connect with Dad over stuff I was interested in, he couldn’t seem to handle me growing up in the way I was. The boy he replaced me with was a loud, brash football player who Dad could have a laugh with, without having to go any deeper.”

2. They need someone who is willing to meet their needs.

Alison says that she found herself abandoned by her mother because she wasn’t prepared to meet every one of her mother’s demands. “I started having friends and wanted to go out more with them, as every teenager does," she recalled. "Mum was mortally offended by this. She found a best friend—a person at work who was only a few years older than me—and started to do everything with her. She’d go on and on about this girl and was always comparing me to her. The girl had a poor relationship with her own parents so she was always on hand for Mum.”

3. They are jealous of the child.

Because of their own deep-rooted insecurities, narcissists tend to be deeply jealous of other people. At times, this can extend to their own children. If, rather than seeing the child as someone who can be used and manipulated, the parent sees them as someone who highlights their own deficiencies, they may choose to be around someone who is less of a threat.

My client Fleur told me, “As soon as I became reasonably attractive, Mum became nasty to me. She didn’t want me to have boyfriends and would make nasty comments whenever I’d made an effort with clothes and makeup. She just seemed to go off me and started hanging about with a group from the church all the time.”

4. They want to look like a good parent.

For narcissists, it’s often all about appearances—and for some, looking like a good parent can be an important part of their identity. If, for some reason, their child is not making them look good, the child might find themselves replaced by someone who makes the parent look like a wonderful, caring person.

Peter told me, “I had a lot of problems growing up. I was overweight and developed a drug problem. I needed a lot of help, but instead, Mum ignored me and let me get on with it. It was like I didn’t exist. At the same time, she developed an obsession with my sister’s boyfriend and started to act as if she was his Mum.”

5. They want to hurt their child.

Narcissists tend to be both low in empathy and driven by a need to make themselves feel better, no matter the cost to others. Their feelings may be very easily hurt and, because they are often emotionally immature, they may not be able to express their hurt in a direct, adult manner. Many resort to passive-aggressive means of expression. "Replacing" their child with someone else is an effective means of deliberately hurting them—perhaps, they feel, because the child has done something to hurt them.

Marie told me, “Mum had always been very controlling and as a young adult, I wanted to leave home. We had a few fights about it, but eventually, I left. Because I did that, Mum wanted nothing more to do with me. She made friends with a woman about my age. This woman had children who my mum called her ‘grandchildren.’ They went on holiday together and Mum always cancelled on me at the last minute to be with this woman. She totally cut me out of her life, simply because I wanted to leave home.”

How Children of Narcissistic Parents Can Cope

If you have been replaced by your parent in this way, you may still deeply feel the effects, no matter what age you are. Your self-esteem may be deeply affected; you may also experience feelings of anger, resentment, and regret. Being rejected and replaced can also lead you to (wrongly) assume that there was something so inherently “wrong” with you that your parent had no choice but to find someone better. In most cases, this couldn’t be further from the truth: Your parent’s rejection likely had nothing to do with you and was entirely driven by their own personality and behavior.

You may need help in working through some of these issues. To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

Read more in Raised by a Narcissist: 7 Steps to Healing From a Toxic Childhood.