Different Arguing Styles? Here's a Technique that Works

Very often couples have a lot in common; that’s what brings them together in the first place. But it is impossible to be in sync with everything. Sometimes partners differ on time sensitivity; one partner is always exactly on time, the other is perpetually late. Or they differ on bedtime; One might embrace the early-to-bed concept while the other is a natural night owl.

Another style that may differ between partners is how they argue or fight. Each person may have different methods of talking out—or not—disagreements and resolving them.

Priyanka Chopra recently told the Bollywood Bubble that she and her husband Nick Jonas approach frustrations from different places, but his way has slowly rubbed off on her. “I’ve become a lot calmer in life,” she said. “If I get pissed off now, I will be a little bit more calm. My husband is a bit more calm and he finds solutions. He’s a diplomat. Whereas I’m just a mirchi—if I go off, I go off.” In other words, she reacts strongly while he is steady and serene.

The person who is quicker to get upset usually wants to discuss the issue right away, while the other partner is comfortable waiting and think about the matter. The difference can exacerbate the initial fight.

When a fight erupts, both people participate at first, but one person may shut it down by abruptly withdrawing from the heated discussion. They are simply done. It may be late and they want to go to bed, or they are in the middle of something else they want to finish. But they end the argument by refusing to participate further. The withdrawal leaves their partner even angrier—they feel ignored and deprived of the opportunity to resolve what is upsetting them in the first place.

The flip side is that one partner is forced to stay up or delay something while their partner is geared up for argument, unwilling to let go of the problem until it is resolved to their satisfaction. The person who wants to fight feels controlled and shut down and the person who doesn’t want to fight feels forced to continue. What to do when you and your partner want to handle squabbles in totally different ways?

A skill I teach clients is Hit the Hold Button. It entails is a controlled break in which both partners agree to pause and come back to the discussion at a particular time. The partner who does not want to fight longer fight gets a chance to say 'I can’t do this now" or "I can’t continue to argue about this"—but with consideration for their partner’s feelings, adding "I will talk with you about it at [specific chosen time]." Both people gain peace of mind—a break for one and a commitment to resume discussion for the other. The key to this skill is designating a specific time to talk. It is never enough to just say "let’s put this on hold."

Consider this. Sometimes an argument arises on the way out to dinner to meet another couple. It can come out of nowhere and entirely change the energy between partner. This is often enough to ruin an evening for everyone.

Deciding to Hit the Hold Button doesn’t mean an issue has disappeared or that one partner forgives the other. It just means putting it aside for now and committing to come back to it later. It works if one partner has a big meeting in the morning and needs a good night’s sleep. It is an important strategy to help couples find balance with each other’s style, and it can help each person feel confident that they can get to higher ground.