Premiere Week has officially come and gone, and so many of your favorite shows are back… in our Quotes of the Week column!
In the list below, we’ve gathered more than 20 of the small screen’s best sound bites from the past seven days, including scenes from returning staples like The Conners, NCIS, Survivor, Law & Order: SVU and A Million Little Things. (And that last one has killed our appetites for tofu for the foreseeable future. Trust us, it’ll get yours, too.)
But our compilation also features a few TV freshmen like Fox’s dance dramedy The Big Leap, as well as its family drama Our Kind of People. Plus, this week’s roundup also includes double doses of The Voice and Ted Lasso, plus quotable moments from Power Book III, New Amsterdam, Only Murders in the Building, The Neighborhood and more shows.
Scroll through the list below to see all of our picks for the week, then hit the comments and tell us if we missed any of your faves!
“Let me start by saying: There’s way too many of us in this little room! What are we doing? They said this was outdoors. It’s not! They lied to us! We’re in a hermetically sealed tent right now. I would not have come to this. Why is there a roof? It’s more important that we have three chandeliers than that we make sure we don’t kill Eugene Levy tonight.”
Seth Rogen pours cold water on TV’s biggest night and its COVID safety protocols
“What does a florist have to do with firefighting?”
“What does a candle?”
“You light them on fire.”
Violet (Hanako Greensmith) and Gallo (Alberto Rosende) bicker about what their side business should be
“You know, if you weigh a person’s body right after death, it’s 21.3 grams lighter — and some say that’s the weight of the soul.”
“Whoever figured that out clearly weighed someone, murdered them, then weighed them again.”
Roy (Brett Goldstein) rains on Coach Beard’s (Brendan Hunt) transcendental parade
“That baby sucks.”
“You don’t have to say that for me.”
“I’m not just saying it. I’m serious. That baby’s whack! I hate it.”
Keeley (Juno Temple) tries her best to cheer Rebecca (Hannah Waddingham) up when ex-husband Rupert arrives to her father’s funeral with his baby girl
“Did you go back to the psychic?”
“Yeah…”
“What’s wrong?”
“It’s bad news. It’s my mom… Still not dead.”
Jackie (Laurie Metcalf) gets Dan’s (John Goodman) hopes up for nothin’
“Who’s your friend over there with the sexy buns?”
Flutura (Lolita Davidovich) asks Reggie about Eddie aka Stabler and manages to make a nod to the tush that has the Internet talking
“I know she is smiling down on us right now, asking who stole her conditioner.”
“Talking about shea butter does not grow on trees.”
“Yes it do!”
Nikki (Alana Bright) and Angela (Yaya DaCosta) find humor amid the sorrow while reminiscing about Angela’s late mother
“Oh, Lord! Chocolate does melt in the summer, right? Because I’m trying to sop all that up.”
Aunt Piggy (Debbi Morgan), after taking in an eyeful of Tyrique
“I’m glad that was the last time I will ever say it. And realizing, in this moment, somebody right now is on social media saying, ‘Aww, he caved!’ It’s @JeffProbst on Twitter. I’ll probably never read it anyway!”
Host Jeff Probst anticipates getting trolled due to the show’s decision to tweak its “Come on in, guys!” catchphrase (which will now omit the word “guys”)
“Between the blonde one and the Asian one, you’ve got some pretty weird sperm. It’s like tofu, just takes on the flavor of whatever it’s cooked with.”
Gary (James Roday Rodriguez), along with Eddie, ruins tofu for us forever
“This is marvelous! Western literature has portrayed me in a terrible light for centuries, starting with that perennial bestseller that need not be named. Thanks for nothing, Gutenberg.”
Without reading a page, Lucifer (Tom Ellis) gives Linda’s book about him a rave review
“Maze, give Ella a message for me—”
“No. No, I did not traipse over here, on my wedding night, to be your Whoopi Goldberg.”
Maze (Lesley-Ann Brandt) won’t give Dan a ghost of a chance
“You some kind of girl f——t? Lebanese or some s—t?”
A homophobic Marvin (London Brown) peppers his daughter Jukebox with questions once he discovers she’s a lesbian… but he just can’t quite get the terminology correct
“This is my ‘I can’t believe I have to shower every day’ face.”
Not every doc at the hospital — in this case, Dr. Metzger (Dorcas Sowunmi) — is happy to be back at work in person
“I’m a medical examiner. I know people who find bodies.”
Jimmy (Brian Dietzen) tells McGee about the rescue divers in his indoor volleyball league
“You were keeping a handgun here? Guess you guys blew right past the toothbrush phase.”
It dawns on Jimmy (Brian Dietzen) just how close Torres and Bishop were
“You know what she looks like to me? America. And America needs a win.”
“She really does.”
Wait, we think Nick (Scott Foley) and Gabby (Simone Recasner) aren’t necessarily talking about the same thing here…
“How old are you two? Eighty?”
“I’ll have you know that I am in my very early mid-60s.”
Mabel’s mom calls out Oliver (Martin Short) and Charles for exploiting her past for a true-crime podcast
“What do I think of Blake’s Win Cam? I don’t think of Blake’s Win Cam. I don’t think of it at all.”
Rookie coach Ariana Grande simply has no time for Blake Shelton’s shenanigans
“What are your fan clubbers called?”
“We’re not starting this.”
“Piranhianas?”
“Piranhianas?!?”
Shelton, risking the wrath of Grande’s Arianators
“Strawberry massage oil? This is like Fifty Shades of Hell’s Kitchen.”
Tina (Tichina Arnold) takes stock of what few (and unusual) ingredients Gemma has to make cupcakes
“We do need to talk about the implications of whatever it is we’re doing here.”
“I thought you said we didn’t need to disclose unless it was a serious relationship.”
“I’m taking this seriously.”
“So am I.”
Carisi (Peter Scanavino) and Rollins (Kelli Giddish) make ‘Rollisi’ ‘shippers incredibly happy as they confirm the wedding kiss wasn’t a one-time thing
“You think I’m happy about how I went out…? I didn’t save the planet from some asteroid. I died at a carnival, Hank. A carnival.”
It’s no Wonder why Donna (Conor Leslie) is disappointed by her random death
Sassy’s monologue to Rupert in the Ted Lasso episode was epic. She would have been the only witness to that relationship and how It changed her friend. We all know Rupert is the devil but Sassy is the only one to call him out on it.
I mean, I know Ted Lasso is a veritable quote factory sometimes but honestly one of my biggest laughs this week came from this one:
—
Rebecca: Sam you are so kind. And loving. And wise. But….
Sam: Oh no, I hate big buts and I cannot lie
While the episode wasn’t its strongest and the real people videos just didn’t work……..that Conners quote cracked me up. It was so brilliantly done, had to rewind to watch it again.