Gnarly Trombone: The white van and a couple flat tires

Well, there I was, just drivin’ along in my bright blue car, minding my own business, watching for traffic nutz …

… when one almost hits me.

I was next to the post office parking lot.

(Note: the Post Office parking lot is a mess. People drive in there and park, then later back out to leave, and never look behind them to see who they’re going to run over.)

Anyway, this white van speeds out of the parking lot and nearly hits me. I swerve to the side to get him to miss, and I hit the curb very hard with two tires.

BLAM!BLAM!!!

And the white van just keeps on going. I’m too busy trying to save my life that I didn’t get to see the driver or get the license plate. They just need to arrest everyone in a white van.

Anyway, I get out and notice that my blue car is leaning to one side. Two flat tires. But it’s my coffee morning, and I’m right across the street from the coffee shop, so I just drive over there with two flat tires.

RUMBLE-RUMBLE-RUMBLE-RUMBLE-RUMBLE-RUMBLE.

Other drivers are staring at me, and thinking “What an idiot!”

So, I have coffee with my fellow coffeefolks, call my wife, and she calls a towing company. The tow driver comes, blocks most of the parking places in front of the coffee shop for 15 minutes. I felt guilty when the parking places were blocked, but nobody came out of the shop to drive away. Maybe they were using the blockage as a good excuse to drink more coffee and be late for work.

Somehow the tow truck driver got our car onto the bed of his truck without dropping it. Good job! Then he drove to the tire company.

They take about an hour to put on four new tires (because it’s a 4-wheel-drive car, they have to have matching tires is what the repair guy told us) and it’s ready to drive home after we pay a large bill.

I go to the Police Station, but they said they didn’t need a report, because it was only a one-car accident, no major damage and no property damage. So, I get out of there and go home.

I’ll be looking for the driver of the white van.

Say … doesn’t Our Favorite Retired City Manager Roy Otto drive a white van?

— The name Gnarly Trombone was taken from an 1871 Cincinnati newspaper that misread Horace Greeley’s handwritten name of the Greeley Tribune. Mike Peters is a retired Tribune staff writer. He may be emailed at mrpeters26@comcast.net.