DEAR HARRIETTE: I ran into an old friend’s parents a couple of weeks ago, and I immediately saw that my friend’s father is gravely ill.
My grandfather died a couple of years ago, and my friend’s dad looked just like he did before he passed away: He is very thin, his eyes are sunken back and he could hardly walk. It was awful to see.
I immediately called my friend to say that I had seen his parents and wanted to know if he had been to visit them. My friend lives all the way across the country, so he can’t see them often. What I saw told me this was urgent. I didn’t say all that to my friend, but I thought it.
He didn’t seem to have any sense of urgency around seeing his dad. He said he might come home for Christmas like he does in some years. I know I’m no doctor, but I don’t know if his dad will make it that long.
Should I say anything to my friend? We grew up together. We don’t talk as much as we used to, but we are still close.
What To Say
DEAR WHAT TO SAY: Tell the truth to your friend without being inflammatory. Tell him that when you saw his parents, it made you worried because his dad looked so frail. Tell him that you saw in his dad what you had seen in your grandfather when he was ill.
Suggest that he do a video call with his parents so that he can see for himself. Add that your gut is telling you to encourage him to make a visit as soon as possible.
Say what’s on your heart. If you think he may regret not visiting soon, tell him. Then it is up to him what he does next.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am the primary breadwinner in my household these days. My husband works, but I make more money.
I try to pay for as many things as I can to help ease the burden of expenses, but I have to admit that I resent that he seldom offers to pay for anything.
We were out the other day picking up some takeout. It was cheap, and he turned to me to ask if I was going to pay for it. I don’t know if I set up this expectation that every bill should come to me, but I don’t want to be the family ATM.
How can I fix this? I don’t want to start resenting him, but I do think it’s fair to expect him to help out sometimes.
Not the Family ATM
DEAR NOT THE FAMILY ATM: Why not establish a family bank account that gets used for shared expenses?
Talk to your husband about both of you contributing to this account. Agree on the amount of money that will go into it from each of you. Decide what the money will be used for so that you both are on the same page.
As long as you set this up with clear boundaries around use, it can be accessed freely by both of you. Then, when there’s a need to make a purchase, it comes out of this shared pot. This may help your husband feel more empowered as well.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
