Check Out This Killer House With White Hot Intensity

Every family has their little rituals. One of mine is to keep our DVR at a healthy 65 percent. It never fails that when I hit that sweet spot, our daughter comes home from school and the available space plummets down to 5 percent for the length of her visit. It is one of the perils of having a daughter that is also a film student. Everything gets recorded. I mean everything.

During this last visit, one of the movies she recorded was American Psycho. It is an intense little movie. While Christian Bale brought a lot of intensity in his lead role as killer Patrick Bateman, his apartment was just as effective in bringing that intensity.

It was starkly white. White couch, white rug, white walls. It was white, man … white. This also happened to be the place where he murdered — or thought of murdering — people. Don’t worry, he’d put down newspaper before swinging the axe.

Well, if Patrick Bateman were to leave the Big Apple and head over to Jersey, I found the perfect house for him.

Yes, yes, I hear you laughing. He may be a serial killer but he is not crazy. Humor me, will you?

This home is located at 1401 Shore Rd, Northfield, New Jersey. It has five bedrooms, three-and-a-half bathrooms, and the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns. Put on your sunglasses and let us go inside. The house is listed for $599,990.

Even Patrick Bateman is excited to see his new home.

This is the foyer. It has a lot of white and a lot of squares and not a rug in sight. I don’t even want to think about how much time is spent cleaning the grout. But wait, let’s turn up the intensity level.

The formal living and the formal dining rooms are giving me heart palpitations and not in a good way.

Imagine you are drinking anything aside from water in the formal as you are waiting for dinner to be served. You have to make sure not one drop spills or, God forbid, someone says something hilarious right when you take a sip. That’s far-fetched I know because no one is going to be thinking of anything funny because they’re going to be stressed out from sitting on those white couches while holding a beverage.

Aside from the potential spillage disaster, it is the marble that is rocking my world. If you are in socks or any water spills, Patrick Bateman will not have the opportunity to kill you because you will be splattered on that marble floor as you try to make your getaway.

What decent thriller movie does not have a long hallway scene that ratchets up the tension as the killer runs toward their victim?

On the bright side, at least you are already sitting on the pot when you see the killer running down the excessively long hallway to get to the bathroom.

One has to laugh, right?

Okay, folks, I’m going to go outside for a walk now. Writing about this house was kind of a lot. Clearing out the DVR can wait. Our daughter will not be home until Christmas.

Or, maybe I will take this time to run an errand…

To see more of this listing go here.