A Bama football week isn’t in the books until John Doe has his say. Thankfully it didn’t take long for the anonymous analyst to break down the Crimson Tide’s close win over Florida in Gainesville on Saturday.
The Alabama superfan known as “John Doe” (or “It’s Coach P, aka John Doe, aka one half of the Unofficial Assistant Coaches”) released a 7-part breakdown of Alabama’s 31-29 win over Florida, and he doesn’t disappoint with another string of one-liners and unique analysis.
Doe earned a substantial online following along with a reputation as one of college football’s best new analysts who earns tens of thousands of YouTube views each week as he breaks down the Tide’s latest performance, with hilarious and sometimes brutally honest takes on the action.
RELATED: ‘Medic!’ Meet John Doe, the Alabama superfan whose game breakdowns are going viral
He brings a hilarious intensity, starting calmly and then bursting with energy to emphasize his points, along with his own flare for nicknames like “The Golden Gazelle” (DeVonta Smith) and “The Crimson Bull” (Najee Harris, or “Najee Loco”) or catchphrases like “Perfect product placement!,” “Window! Somebody get some Windex!” and his weekly pearl of wisdom “It’s just chess, not checkers.”
Here are our 10 favorite lines from his recap of Saturday’s game at the Swamp, as only he can do it. Be sure to watch the breakdowns first, so we don’t spoil it for you. You can see part one here.
“The crocodile hunter didn’t have nothing on goat Saban.”
Doe said after beating Florida the last seven times Alabama played them, he wants to pitch a business partnership Nick Saban to open a Louisiana-style restaurant specializing in gator delicacies. “I’m talking gator bites, gator tail, alligator Étouffée, alligator stew, alligator hash, gator ribs, etc.,” Doe said. “Because nobody does gators like Nick. The crocodile hunter didn’t have nothing on goat Saban! Shout out to Steve [Irwin], may he rest peacefully.
“You don’t like stats?”
On Alabama’s opening offensive series, during which he said the offensive line parted the Red Sea for running back Brian Robinson, Doe offered the player some constructive criticism for shedding tacklers after he went down awkwardly. “I hope that ACL and that MCL intact. He’s build by Bama though, he’s straight. Brian ‘Downhill’ Robinson. Man, put your arm out and stiff-arm that little guy off of you, man. You just won’t stiff-arm nobody for nothing. That’s a touchdown. You don’t like stats?”
“Gator boots and the pimped-out Gucci suits.”
“Feeling like Mannie Fresh, baby,” Doe said, feeling the Tide’s first quarter dominance and then quoting the Big Tymers hit “Still Fly,” while imploring Bama to quiet the Swamp crowd with their play. “‘Gator boots with the pimped out Gucci suits.’ Let’s go, Tide. Crowd making all that noise -- put them on silent more. Get the remote and mute ‘em.”
“I let it whip like the Dazz Band in 1982!”
Doe wasn’t done with his pop music shout-outs. With Bama up 14-3, he spotted John Metchie running a “whip route” on 2nd-and-15, a play he loves and one that reminded him of an ‘80s tune. “One of my favorite routes in football, this whip route...I let it whip like the Dazz Band in 1982. You can’t stop it unless you know it’s coming.”
“You went down jumping.”
About a minute left in the first quarter, Bryce Young looked for Slade Bolden in the back of the end zone before the pass was broken up by a Florida DB, whom Doe said made some contact. “He’s looking around for the flag. He ain’t even crunk back there. He know he’s got away with one.” But Doe really zeroed in on Bolden’s play on the ball. Even though there might have been interference, Doe needed more from the wideout on the jump. “But Slade, where your ups at? Can you touch the nets on the basketball goal? I know you can’t dunk. Can you at least touch the net? What is that? You went down jumping.”
“Netflix & chill...”
Doe wasn’t impressed with Florida players’ attempts at blocking Will Anderson all game long. “Could have sworn y’all was in the house doing Netflix and chill, all that holding.”
“What double team?!”
Late second quarter, Will Anderson makes a tackle for loss. Florida’s OL cannot contain the disruptive sophomore linebacker. “Ain’t but three people on the line, and that boy’s still fixing to make this play. They got you on the double team...What double team? The Matrix, baby. That boy dominated the whole first half.” (Doe nicknamed Anderson “The Matrix” because Keanu Reeves’ character in the 1999 sci-fi film is named “Mr. Anderson.)
“That cement still wet today.”
Doe pleads with the Bama offense to pick up the slack from Alabama’s defense -- which he nicknamed the “cement defense” earlier this season -- once they struggled to stop quarterback Emory Jones and the Gators during the second half.
“Like you allergic to running the ball...”
During the fourth quarter, Bryce Young escaped the pocket to scramble for a first down. “There you go. Finally! There you go, man! Run that ball when you ain’t got nothing.” CBS analyst Gary Danielson even pointed out during the game Young doesn’t like to run. “You trying to set the passing records or something?” Doe would ask later.
“This boy’s great. He’s not real good, he’s great.”
“This boy’s got that Derrick Thomas motor,” Doe said about Will Anderson, who finished the game with 3.5 tackles for loss. Every play I’m coming...I’m in your backfield, man. I might as well be in your huddle. I might as well be on your team, I’m back there every play. Give that boy a blue jersey.”
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