CLEVELAND, Ohio – A few weeks ago, I wrote a column about Heidi Martin. She is a professor in Case Western Reserve’s chemical engineering department who has also been taking care of her mother for the last 17 years due to a stroke.
That brought this email from Mary (not her real name):
”I had to place my mother in an assisted-living facility ... due to an ever-increasing list of my own mobility issues (bad back and torn rotator cuff from lifting and moving her) and my continued loss of sight. I was diagnosed with open-angle glaucoma in 2007 shortly before my mom’s stroke.
“There also was a lack of support. I had no options. I was one of those family members standing at her window last year on a daily basis despite the snow/rain/heat.) So here I sit with 14 years of my life gone and a 90-year-old woman who is basically healthy except for a terrible stroke.
“I am despondent at times - lonely ALWAYS. But yet I know how lucky I am to have had this time with one of my best friends. I hope that all the Heidis and Terrys out there know how lucky they are to have such positive support – not just from the community and friends/family but from their God.”
NOT EVERY CASE IS THE SAME
When I was talking to Heidi, we knew we had excellent support and the money to help deal with parents in what we call “Stroke Land.” That was the case for nearly five years in the 1990s with my father.
But I also was part of a team of people who made the decision to put our “mom,” Melva Hardison in a nursing home. That was 3 1/2 years ago.
Melva had been in and out of the hospital with heart problems. We had some people coming in to help us care for her, but it became too much for them and us. She also was depressed, had stopped eating and was on hospice when I was charged with finding a nursing home.
When searching for the right place, view it nearly as a matter of life and death. Do research online. Talk to people who have been in the same situation. Visit facilities. I went to six different ones before settling on the Village of St. Edward in Fairlawn. There are other good places.
It turned out to be a life-saving move for Melva. She became stronger. She moved off hospice. She has had a couple of health scares, but she’s in better shape now than her last few months at home.
There are many horror stories about nursing homes, so there are reasons to be extremely careful. But I doubt Melva would have lived another month if she had remained at home. She is now 95 years old.
CAREGIVERS OFTEN ARE WORN DOWN
I met a man who had been taking care of his wife. She had Parkinson’s disease. She kept falling down. He fell a few times trying to help her – ending up needing two hip replacements.
They went into the facility together. She passed away, but he has gotten healthier.
Caregivers often end up with major physical problems, especially because many are elderly themselves. They simply aren’t strong enough to help their loved one.
Caregivers also make enormous sacrifices. As Mary also wrote:
“I gave up my job (18 years as a clinical social worker for a hospice program). As for extracurricular events, how can that be enjoyed when my mom cannot be left alone for a few hours? It’s not a great idea for someone with limited mobility and no verbal skills. It also is a great invitation for Adult Protective Services to become involved.”
Finding good home health care workers is a challenge, especially in this labor market. COVID-19 has led many to leave the health care field.
When a good friend needed to put her mother (also a stroke victim) in a nursing home after nearly four years of home health care, we talked a lot about the guilt involved in the decision. But everyone was worn out, emotionally and physically.
Like Melva, my friend’s mother has adjusted to her nursing home and is doing reasonably well.
NO EASY ANSWERS
COVID-19 made life in long-term facilities harder, as visiting times were cut or wiped out entirely. Isolation became a killer, just like COVID-19 and the other health issues the elderly are facing.
But a key is attention. Call them on the phone. Visit when you can. Develop relationships with nurses, aides and social workers at the facility. Learn their names. Be quick to praise. Write thank you notes.
When there is a problem, make sure to call – but don’t scream and call names. Be involved. Be persistent. But also be kind. Like in most other businesses, labor shortages abound.
If the nursing home has a problem, shop for a new one. Do the research. Talk to friends. Ask them if they know someone who is in a good long-term facility.
Finally, this came from Andrea (not her real name):
“It is OK to move your parents into a high-quality facility where they will be cared for on a daily/hourly basis, where their medications will be administered timely and correctly. It’s where they will be provided with healthy meals without our worry of Mother accidentally leaving the stove on.
“Mom and Dad want that promise that they will never have to move out of their home, but often times that is just not what Mom and Dad need.
“My siblings and I were blessed that our parents didn’t ask for that promise. Both passed peacefully after being well cared for by trained professionals in quality elderly-care facilities. Mother realized on her own that she needed more help, and chose the time and place of her move. And yes, it was a “move”…we didn’t “put her in a home.” That stigma must end.”
RECENT TERRY PLUTO FAITH & YOU COLUMNS
What have we learned from COVID-19? Readers speak out
When life is turned upside down, a caregivers opens her heart
How do we treat those who serve us during the pandemic?
Dealing with the Here We Go Again syndrome
A murder story, a mysterious memorial, a wild river in Michigan’s U.P.
Mark “Munch” Bishop’s big heart has heart surgery.
Readers send their thoughts about the Homeless Guy With the Sign
Worthy of charity or a con job? The guy with the homeless sign.
I’m sick of getting angry, so now what?
When the Cavs made Father’s Day extra special
Hey Graduates, here’s some advice for you – and all of us
Did a phone call ever change your life – and your calling?
Happy night at the ballpark, a good hike, being a super-spreader
Are you haunted by the “WHAT IFs?”
Some tough questions we should ask ourselves
Our Mother’s Dreams, joys and frustrations
Parents, you need to read this regardless of the age of your children
Ad Choices