Mindfulness, Self-Compassion, and ADHD

I realized one day how often I’m angry at myself. I get frustrated when I try something and know what I want to do and then I don’t do it anyway. When I can say nicer things to myself, I feel better for sure and I also get more stuff done. —Julio, age 13

When you practice mindfulness, you see better how your thoughts work. You learn, for example, that the annoying voices inside your head telling you you’re stupid or a failure are simply thoughts, not facts. You don’t have to take them seriously. Seeing that your habitual nasty voice is not based in reality is mindfulness. Most people feel better and work harder when letting go of this self-criticism.

Giving less attention to your inner critical voice is a first step toward enjoying life more. It’s easy to get caught up in negativity and to miss what you’re doing well. We all get lost in worrying about what might be coming next, or what we did last week, and that pattern changes how we feel. For example, when caught up in past or future thinking, we overlook fun moments and don’t enjoy them as much.

But there is another possibility. When you are feeling down on yourself and like everyone is mad at you, turn toward self-compassion. You don’t have to feel good about whatever happened, but you can treat yourself with respect while working your way through. As you would do for a friend in that moment, move yourself toward a realistic and kind attitude: I messed up. That happens, but now I’m back on track and I’m going to work on it.

Being kinder to yourself does not mean you’re off the hook about getting done what you were supposed to get done. In other words, you still have to figure out how to complete that assignment. But while you catch up, you don’t need to beat yourself up for leaving it until the last minute—again.

If that goal sounds odd, consider that everyone, from actors to athletes, gets better when they allow themselves to bounce back from mistakes instead of dwelling on them. Yep, stuff happens, you flubbed your line, that feels awful—but comfort yourself as best as you’re able, and get up and try again.

So how do you do that? The answer is self-compassion. The next time you are upset, follow the steps in the next exercise, which shows you how to give yourself a moment of kindness when you’re struggling.

You can act in a way that’s kind to yourself and other people, is constructive, and gets things done. Try it now, and you’ll have a useful practice to use when you need it.

Practice: A Moment for Me

Consider this practice right when something rattles you. Maybe an adult is upset with you, you did poorly on a test, or you left your lunch at home—for the third time this week. If nothing upsets you right now, think of a time in the past. Close your eyes, and imagine how you felt while this situation happened.

Do this practice slowly, aiming to feel the feelings and meaning behind the words. You can download an audio recording here.

First, say to yourself, slowly and patiently: "In this moment, a part of me is struggling." This is mindfulness, being aware of what you’re feeling. You could also say, "Whoa, this feels awful," or "This sucks," or maybe "This is stressful."

Now say to yourself: "Struggling is a part of life." This is common humanity, knowing that others struggle too. You could say, "I’m not alone feeling this," or "All teens feel this at some time or another." Now, say to yourself: "May I be kind to myself." This is the self-kindness part of self-compassion. As a teen, you are going through many transitions. Your brain is changing, your body is changing. Maybe you’re shifting your friend group. Ask yourself, "What do I need to hear right now?" If words don’t come to you right away, ask yourself, "What would I say to a good friend who was going through this? Can I wish the same for myself?" Commonly used phrases that capture that wish include:

• May I give myself the compassion that I need.
• May I accept myself as I am.
• May I begin to learn how to accept myself as I am.
• May I forgive myself.
• May I be strong.
• May I be safe.
• May I be peaceful.
• May I know that I deserve love.

If the “May I” feels strange to you or like you are asking permission, you can leave that out and say, "I wish to accept myself just as I am," or even nothing more than "Be strong" or "Accept myself." Now take a few moments to say these words over and over slowly to yourself. Remember to feel the meaning behind the words. The words aren’t as important as what they represent. Allow yourself to hear these good wishes for yourself. Soak up these words like a sponge.

Notice how you feel now at the practice’s end. Maybe you feel a little better, calmer, or safer. Or maybe not, and it all felt weird. If that was true, have no fear. With time, practicing self-compassion feels much more comfortable. We promise.

Whatever happens in life, if we can see what’s going on and act from a place of compassion, we’ll know what makes sense to try next. Once you’re settled and feeling more resilient, it’s easier to make a new study schedule, or remember to call a friend, or do whatever else you need to do. You’ll feel more relaxed, and when you are, it’s easier to keep track of everything. That’s one reason mindfulness and self-compassion directly help you take control of your ADHD.

This post was adapted from Mindfulness and Self Compassion for Teen ADHD.

Copyright © 2021 Mark Bertin and Karen Bluth