Joe Blundo: When it comes to COVID treatments, stick with science not 'magical' cures

Some people are shunning COVID-19 vaccines in favor of the barnyard version of ivermectin, a drug intended to kill parasites in horses and cows. 

Dr. Anthony Fauci is appalled. But history and fantasy (two things becoming increasingly difficult to tell apart) offer many examples of potions warding off illness, bestowing immortality or establishing the user as a contrarian.  

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In the interests of illustrating creative approaches to health care, I made a list. Here are alternative treatments that big government and big science don’t want you to know about: 

Elixir of Life

This potion, from no less a medical authority than “Harry Potter,” indefinitely extends life. So you could probably nullify a host of diseases with one swig. They say it’s made from a “special” stone, but I think that’s just the government’s way of discouraging freedom-loving citizens from home experimentation. Keep it simple: Boil a pound of pea gravel in a stockpot, drink the broth and report back on your 500th birthday. 

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Pixie Dust

• In “Peter Pan,” it confers the ability to fly, so, of course, the major airlines want to stop you from obtaining it. If you do find it, remember that using pixie dust to treat coronavirus is an off-label application. Also, wear a parachute before leaping off any mountains, just in case you get a bad batch. 

Ambrosia

•  I’m talking here about the food of the gods celebrated in classic mythology, not the salad of orange slices, coconut and pineapple slathered in whipped cream/sour cream. The former is associated with immortality, the latter with potluck dinners. I’m not sure which one tastes better with slow-cooker chili, but I’d go with the gods on medical issues.  

Peruna

•  This is actually a local contribution to the world of spirited health care. Samuel Hartman of Columbus became rich in the late 19th-century selling Peruna, a concoction that claimed miraculous benefits. Naturally, the government harassed him because Congress favored a science-based pharmaceutical industry capable of making big campaign contributions.  

A bottle of Peruna — even if it’s 130 years old — will at least improve your mood. The stuff was 27 percent alcohol. 

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Eye of newt, and toe of frog, wool of bat, and tongue of dog

Sounds yucky, but have you ever read the ingredient list on a box of Twinkies? Good things often come from bizarre components.  

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This witches brew (which actually refers to nicknames for plants, say some sources) is straight from the Shakespeare play “Macbeth.” Exactly what it does is murky, but I’ll bet you could find any number of conservative talk-radio hosts willing to endorse its COVID-fighting effects in exchange for some ad revenue. 

I know what you’re thinking: Could the Macbeth recipe be used to turn a human into a horse, which could then be treated with ivermectin to battle coronavirus? A clever drug strategy, but the science is still out on it. Way out. 

Joe Blundo is a Dispatch columnist.

joe.blundo@gmail.com 

@joeblundo