After spending a refreshingly honest 30 minutes on Zoom with Paul Walter Hauser, I cannot in good conscience fib to you. Queenpins, the upcoming crime-comedy in which he costars, is not exactly a masterpiece. But it is breezy and endearing enough, and has a handful of moments that are laugh-out-loud funny.

The film, directed by Aron Gaudet and Gita Pullapilly, stars Kristen Bell and Kirby Howell-Baptiste as two women who kinda, sorta fall into a life of crime, concocting a fraudulent couponing scheme. (It is loosely based on a true story.) Bell and Howell-Baptiste have tremendous chemistry, as do the two men hunting them down: Vince Vaughn as a U.S. postal inspector, and Hauser as a chain supermarket’s loss prevention officer.

His character in Queenpins is very much a blend of his two most notable previous film roles: Shawn Eckhardt, the delusional and klutzy bodyguard Hauser plays in in I, Tonya, and the title character in Clint Eastwood’s Richard Jewell. Though the latter was a notorious box office flop, Hauser won accolades for how his performance walked the line between pathos, endearment, and second-hand embarrassment.

Outside those signature roles, Hauser has worked with Spike Lee twice (in BlackKklansman and Da 5 Bloods) and reunited with his I, Tonya director Craig Gillespie for the 2021 family hit Cruella. He’s beloved by a certain strata of cinephile, and also recognized for his DGAF interactions on Twitter—where, when Hauser isn’t espousing his love for professional wrestling, he’s defending his work against its critics (including, once, V.F.’s own Richard Lawson). Hauser addressed his beef with Lawson’s review of Cruella during a recent Zoom call, a free-wheeling conversation that also covered his new film, his weight-loss journey, and how one prepares to poop one’s pants on camera.

Vanity Fair: I saw a red carpet interview with you were you said you often get cast as the “doofus or the a-hole,” but “those are really fun roles to play, and somebody's got to do it.” This guy might be your biggest doofus yet. How psyched were you for this part?

Paul Walter Hauser: At first another actor had the role. Somebody great, like Josh Gad—but there were scheduling problems, and I fell into it. But, doofus or not, a-hole or not, I kinda love this character, Ken Miller.

I’m currently making a series for Apple TV+ called In With The Devil, a true crime story. I play a serial killer named Larry Hall. When I show up each day to play Larry, I’m not excited to play him. I’m excited to work with Taron Egerton, and to read Dennis Lehane’s lines, but not to play Larry. It’s a grotesque thing I’ve gotta do. But to be Ken Miller in Queenpins? I was excited to do that voice, to have the pent-up frustration, and play with the physicality. It was a blast.

Did you know you would be paired with Vince Vaughn from the beginning?

They were looking at a host of actors for that role, action-oriented actors. It had to hold some weightiness to it; it’s “khakis and a gun,” so it’s a specific kind of thing. I already knew Vince; I met him through Sam Rockwell, and we’d hung out a few times, and I knew he was super funny. But has super dramatic chops, too; he’s worked with Gus Van Sant and Craig Zahler and Mel Gibson. Anyway, I suggested him, and we were lucky to get him.

Let’s talk about the bold, artistic statement you make in this film. There is a scene in which you soil your pants. “I’m prepared to take this thing all the way,” you say, before it happens, and I feel like for some people this will be a Caddyshack-level catchphrase.

I was a little worried about that scene, doing it with Vince. Some people, when they work in comedy, they take it as serious as a dramatic actor takes the drama. I did an episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and that quartet of Rob [McElhenney], Charlie [Day], Glenn [Howerton], and Kaitlin [Olson] take their comedy deadly seriously. They need a reason for everything they are saying, they don’t just throw stuff out there. Vince is the same way. So we were actually intellectualizing that scene, to make sure it didn’t come off wrong. Ultimately it was just “play it dramatically, do not try to be funny.”

Yet, there was something Vince improvised. He said something like [in menacing tone] “go outside and wipe your butt on the grass like a puppy,” and I was crying, doubled-over in pain from laughing. I think Vince got frustrated because I kept breaking character. I was pinching my skin trying to keep myself serious.

Did you ever work a retail job? Ever meet a loss prevention dude?

I did not do research for this role. I didn’t think I had to, honestly. But there was a lot of lore about shoplifting as a teenager. Going to the mall was such an event. I knew kids who shoplifted all the time. Girls stealing from Hollister and Claire’s. Guys stealing from Sam Goody and Champ’s Sports. I always wondered what happens when the alarm goes off, and who goes running. There are these LP officers, and it’s their whole gig. Seems like a horrible job.

You’ve worked with some great directors, like Craig Gillespie, Spike Lee, and Clint Eastwood, but never a husband-and-wife team. What’s that dynamic like?

I never saw any marital conflict or anything. Mommy and Daddy got along, and everyone had fun. They have a lot of grace and humility, in an addictive way.

Queenpins has a 20 day theatrical window, then is streaming on Paramount+. This is a controversial topic in Hollywood right now, whether to go straight to streaming.

I love theaters. I see as much as I can on a big screen with a room full of strangers. I see documentaries in theaters. I feel like this is a good compromise in the current climate.

I know there is a fiasco right now, with some people not getting their deal money, and that’s screwy. There’s a reason Tommy Lee Jones sued for $17 million over No Country For Old Men. Some people call it selfish, but these are artists who do a piece of work, and they should be compensated.

So a lot of things are changing, and hopefully audiences don’t lose the experience. But for some people, whether they are fighting COVID, or have a bad leg or whatever it is, they should have the option to watch at home. I need to be more respectful and mindful of folks like that. So if you can go to the theater, do it, but if you can’t, Paramount+ is where it’s out. There’ll be chatter on Twitter over two weekends, this way.

You mentioned Twitter, where you are pretty active, and ready to defend your work against critics. You even got into it a little bit with Vanity Fair’s critic about a negative review of Cruella not too long ago.

I assumed this was going to come up, since this is Vanity Fair. I’ll never criticize anyone for disliking something I do. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and a critic is being paid for their opinion. And I like movie critics; 97 percent of the ones I meet are awesome. We’ve had cocktails, and it’s two people talking about movies they love.

But I found the manner in which that gentleman wrote that article very inside baseball. Some of the things they were outraged by had more to do with their strange interpretation than the actuality of the film’s elements. So that’s when it becomes a showy personal hit piece, rather than what it should be: deconstructing the elements of the film to show if it’s worth somebody’s 15 bucks, plus babysitting fees.

So, for me, if it seems like someone is bullying our movie, I will remind them that their 30 minute verbal diarrhea is in stark contrast to our year-long endeavor of making and editing the film, and spending over $100 million to make people happy. It’s my reminder to pat someone on the head and say, “hey, it’s not that I dislike you, but maybe go sit in timeout, and think about what you did.”

Well, I’ve known that writer for many years, and now I know you, and I wish we could all go get a bottle of Amstel Light or something.

I’m sure he’s a good dude.

Also on Twitter, you’ve mentioned a desire to play Ignatius J. Reilly from A Confederacy of Dunces, one of the great, unadapted books of the 20th century. Is this something in development anywhere?

The connection is in the ether. Some well known producers and directors have brought it up. Dennis Lehane brought me the book, unsure if I had read it—and I already had—but he had a sweet note in it saying “you were born to play this guy.” I’m dying to play the character.

But I’m also on a weight loss challenge now. I was around 290 when I shot Queenpins. I’m 250 now for In With The Devil, so I’m down 40 pounds, and I have another 40 to go to hit 210. I’m on that kick like Chris Pratt and Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen were at one point. The only two characters I would keep the weight on for would be Ignatius J. Reilly or a Chris Farley biopic. But they are both starting to dwindle.

What’s your regimen? Just less food, more exercise?

I have a lot of help from this gentleman named Diamond Dallas Page, a former wrestler turned health guru and actor. Also a trainer named Danny Joe. I also met Mark Wahlberg a few months ago and he’s been a big champion of mine, and he has helped me lose weight. I’ve been very fortunate to have people pull me aside and mentor me. Because it is not easy, at least not for someone like me.

I know it, man, I know it. Were you a heavy kid?

Yeah, I was always “husky.” Then I got really big in high school. It wasn’t alcohol weight, it was fast food/“I can never die” weight. I went from 215 to 260 in high school. Then after high school I put on alcohol weight. I was as high as 330, or 333.

Some friends of mine have trouble with alcohol, or drugs, or gambling, or bad relationships. For me, it’s Skittles and Captain Crunch.

Skittles are delicious, but it leaves the residue in your teeth is a little much. Captain Crunch cuts the soft palate, but it is delicious; you gotta work for it. My go to—if I were on a desert island and there was one thing I could eat forever—I am obsessed with Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Obsessed. In my current weight loss, you will not find a box of “CTC” anywhere, because I will devour it.

Are you going to give yourself that gift, when you reach a plateau?

Oh, dude, I am going to monetize this crap. I’m going to lose the weight, write a book, make a documentary, and try to get an Anthony Bourdain thing where I go around America trying different meals. But the thing will be, I tease you with the meal, but then you have to see what I had to do in the gym this morning to make sure I could have this meal. It will be the ultimate balance between a health and wellness show, and then a junk food show. What must I accomplish so I can partake in 1,300 calories later tonight?

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