Dear Carolyn: My in-laws recently came over to watch our new baby while I went to the doctor for a postpartum checkup, and when I got home — dead tired and looking forward to a quiet house — they offered to stay for the rest of the afternoon. I tried saying, “No, thank you. You were very helpful this morning, but I’m sure you are tired, too.” I tried saying, “No, thank you. I’d just like to rest in quiet with the baby.” I tried, “You know, I need a little alone time.” But they kept offering (“It’s no trouble. We can just sit in your living room while you nap and be very quiet”) until finally I said, “I would like you to leave. Please leave now.”
At that point, they were offended, and I felt terrible for offending them. But I don’t know what else to do. They don’t seem to pick up on typical social cues, and this type of thing happens all the time — repeatedly offering me an unwanted gift until I flatly say, “I do not like gold, I will never use this and will end up giving it away.”
Am I being rude, or being direct? Should I do something different next time? I hate offending them, but it feels like my choices are to offend them or to be bulldozed into something I don’t want.
— Rude vs. Direct?
Rude vs. Direct?: I’m happy to weigh in, but aren’t you married to the Rosetta Stone? And you haven’t used it?
Your spouse — presumably a lifelong member of this family, and in possession of baseline self-awareness, I hope — is best positioned to take over or teach you these communications. A gentler please-leave nudge, perhaps, delivered sooner: “Thanks so much, I'll show you out” [walk to door, open door, stand by door].
Either that, or your spouse can give you proper assurance that conking your in-laws over the head verbally is your only recourse. A fellow family member might also recognize it's not as insulting to them as you'd think. People who struggle with social cues sometimes prefer a good conk — a beacon in the social fog — and sometimes the ones who don't like it are able to shake off any offense faster than the more typically socially equipped.
A childhood witness to their methods might understand, too, your in-laws are more controlling than obtuse — well aware you're steering them to the door but also accustomed to, and quite effective at, digging in to get what they want.
This is a lot of not-much. Either, or, might, sometimes, perhaps.
But as puzzling as the central question of your in-laws’ persistence is, I’m more intrigued by the missing context and missing spousal input. Do your in-laws hold grudges? Or does each new visit hit “reset” on the offenses of the last? Is your spouse also like this? Are there other outlaws like you who are up for comparing notes?
These will tell you how blunt to be, why and at what cost.
And as is so often the case, your in-law difficulties can teach you more widely applicable lessons. “I’m sure you are tired, too” is not clear communication. This is: “Thank you, I am not up for visitors — I’ll walk you out, and let’s make plans soon.” Bulldozer-bypass skills will never fade from disuse.
