Ishita Chatterjee, 30, started getting acne when she was 25, first on her cheeks and then on her forehead. She experienced regular breakouts, to the point that she always had at least one pimple. Over time her acne and mental health became more intertwined. Although Chatterjee didn’t pick her spots, they often scarred. She’s also prone to post-inflammatory hyperpigmentation, which happens when inflamed skin becomes darker than the surrounding area.
Chatterjee started trying different treatment options for her breakouts, scars, and hyperpigmentation. She went to a dermatologist and an esthetician and tried various skin-care products and medications, but nothing has fully cleared up her acne.
Now Chatterjee is working to rebuild her confidence based on the person she is and not the way her acne looks. This is her story about acne and mental health.
I had clear skin as a teenager, which is a time when many people start getting acne. But when I turned 25, I began constantly breaking out. Red spots covered my cheeks and eventually my forehead.
At first I thought the acne was hormonal and would clear up on its own. A couple of years later, however, I was still getting acne. By then I’d also developed scars, made even more noticeable by post-inflammatory hyperpigmentation, which is more common in brown skin like mine.
I decided I had to actively address my acne. This kicked off a long process of trying numerous lifestyle changes and treatments. I tried cutting out every type of food you can name in case I was sensitive to a certain food. I used every skin-care product and medication I found that promised to get rid of acne. Some things helped more than others, but nothing has gotten me to a point that I would call cured.
On top of the frustration of working through what felt like an entire pharmacy of treatments, I have to deal with other people’s assumptions. A lot of people still mistakenly believe that acne is caused by eating too much greasy food or sugar1, drinking too much alcohol, or some other external cause that I just need to avoid. I know this because they tell me.
The comments I get from people about my acne usually come in two forms. The first form is people offering what they think of as helpful advice, which ends up being quite hurtful. For example, I’m a first-generation Indian immigrant, and in my experience Indians tend to be more direct with their comments than Americans. Sometimes, Indian people will straight up tell me that my face looks terrible, and I should try a particular face cream or stop drinking so much.
In India people often practice Ayurvedic medicine2, which involves eating foods based on the specific guidelines for you based on one of three body types. People who follow this tell me my acne is caused by my American diet when I know that it’s not. This is just the way my skin is.
Or well-meaning friends will say something along the lines of, “Your skin looks so clear today!” I know they mean it as a compliment, but it’s another reminder that I have not-so-clear days.
I don’t feel like I fit in with American ideas about skin care and acne either. Growing up, everyone in commercials for acne products was young and white, whereas I’m an adult and brown. Even trying to find makeup that adequately covers my spots and scars has been challenging. There aren’t many options for Asian Americans with dark skin. I haven’t found a foundation that matches the olive undertones of my skin, which makes a massive difference when you’re trying to cover acne.
When your scars are on your face, you can’t hide them since it’s the first place people look when they see you. It feels like I have a scarlet letter. Even when people don’t say anything, and maybe aren’t even looking at my spots, I feel like they are. It’s made me not want to go out, and I never want to take pictures. I always edit any photos I put on social media.
I’ve really been on a journey with my acne and mental health. I’m gradually learning to accept that what I have to improve is how I feel about myself. I can’t completely cure the acne, the scarring, and the hyperpigmentation. But I can control how I treat my skin, and how I feel about myself. One thing I’ve realized from everything I’ve tried is that my acne is not my fault. The scarring isn’t my fault, and the hyperpigmentation isn’t my fault. Accepting that has helped me stop beating myself up and move on to focusing on what I can control.
I’ve created a routine using the two products that have consistently worked for me better than the others. In the daytime I use a vitamin C serum, and at night I apply a retinol cream, which I’ve found really helps with the breakouts and the hyperpigmentation. I also make an effort to stay hydrated.
Knowing that I’m doing the things that have worked best for me allows me to get on with my life. I have days with lots of spots, and I have days with fewer spots. Whatever happens with my skin, I know that I’ve done what I can.
I’m also working on accepting the scarring. It was a big moment for me when I stopped using a cream I’d been prescribed by a dermatologist that treated my hyperpigmentation but bleached the surrounding areas of my skin. I used it for a couple of months, but then I asked myself why I was doing that. I decided I didn’t want to deal with this side effect in the name of treating my scars. That made me realize I’m learning to accept my skin the way it is.
I can’t spend my whole life hiding my face. I want to live and have fun! I’m taking the process of putting myself out there one step at a time. It gets easier day by day. I still can’t imagine going out without makeup, but it’s a work in progress.
Beauty is about so much more than what your skin looks like and what the culture around you tells you is beautiful. I want to do what I can do for my skin, and focus on the rest of my life.
This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.
Sources:
1. Mayo Clinic, Acne
2. Journal of Ethnic Foods, Traditional and Ayurvedic Foods of Indian Origin
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