My husband wants to be in another room

We’re at a point now where we hardly speak or even sleep in the same room. We’ve both seen therapists separately (him for a few years) and are in marriage counseling as well (for six months), yet we still seem to be drifting further apart. He’s been diagnosed with PTSD and dissociation/derealization, so I guess that explains part of the emotional shutdown and shutout.

However, this still leaves me in the dark and lonely because he refuses to talk about anything outside of routine household/child maintenance/schedules with me. Our marriage counselor has given us “assignments” to help us to open up and connect, but he won’t participate in those either. I’m so torn because I don’t want to add to his suffering or turn my kids’ lives upside down, but I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this.

For example, the kids and I went out of town this weekend for a big family event and he didn’t want to go, so I didn’t push it. We returned after two days and he spent most of the evening on the balcony by himself, leaving the room we were in (he’s told me in the past he goes out there to be alone, so not to join him), and then he came to the couch when the kids and I went to bed. I’d invited him to the bedroom when I went to bed, but he said he was going to watch television for a while, and then he never came.

Even our kisses have become emotionless. There’s nothing volatile and angry between us, there’s just nothing.

Am I just being too selfish or too needy to want more? Is this what long-term marriages look like?

ALONE IN A FULL HOUSE

A. “Is this what long-term marriages look like?”

This is what your marriage looks like. Therapists have told you why.

You’re trying to make this better, but things aren’t improving. So now what?

Use your couples counseling time to talk about what it would mean to stop working against your husband’s desire to detach. Would living on his own add to his suffering or would it be a relief? What if there was a plan to separate as the kids get older?

I guess I’m wondering whether you’re both working toward the same goal — to be better together. Maybe his version of “selfish and wanting more” involves leaving the marriage so you both can live your own lives without feeling like you’re disappointing each other every day.

As far as the kids go, they probably know what’s happening, right? It might be good for them to see their parents choose more joy. Sometimes the healthiest choice is removing yourself from a hurtful situation.

You’re not selfish for wanting more from a partner, and I’m sure it’s painful for you to know that the person you love is waiting for you to be gone before he enters the room. That is not why you got married. You want to feel appreciated and loved. You want to feel like good company.

If this isn’t a marriage that can make either of you happy, your homework can be a reality check and next steps.

MEREDITH

READERS RESPOND:

He’s repeatedly showing you that it’s over. It’s possible he’s doing everything he can to get you to be the one who calls it quits with the marriage. In other words, he doesn’t want to be seen as the bad guy. Trust me, there is no shame in ending a marriage that is irretrievably broken. Do the deed yourself. Get on with your life.

BIGSIGH

This sort of dysfunction is worse than a divorce for your children.

HEYITHINK

Part amicably if possible and restart your life.

LUPELOVE

Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.