3 Keys to Successful Friends-with-Benefits Relationships

When I first got into sex research, I started studying friends with benefits (FWBs). I had been teaching college courses on human sexuality for a few years at that point, and I often got questions on this subject from students. However, there wasn’t any research on FWBs at the time—so I decided to explore the topic.

One of the key things we discovered in our early work was that people can get into these relationships for a wide range of reasons. Consequently, people often end up in FWBs with wildly different expectations for the future. Some people want to become romantic partners, others just want a temporary sexual outlet and hope to go back to being friends eventually (perhaps they just need to get through a pandemic!), and yet others want to stay FWBs for the long haul.

All of this variability led us to wonder what ultimately happens to FWBs over time and what the most likely outcomes are. We decided to conduct a one-year longitudinal study of FWBs to find out.

How do friends with benefits relationships change over time?

We studied 192 people who reported having an FWB relationship. We surveyed them at two different points in time, spaced apart by about one year. The sample was predominately female-identified (70 percent), White (74 percent), and heterosexual (72 percent), with an average age of 30. Participants reported that they had known their FWB in some capacity for about three years on average at the start of the study.

In the first survey, participants were asked what they hoped would happen with their FWB in the future. They were also asked how satisfied they were with their relationship and how much they communicated about relationship rules and boundaries. In the second survey, we asked whether the nature of their relationship was the same or whether it had changed—and, if so, why.

Here's what we found. After just one year:

• 26 percent were still FWBs.
• 15 percent had become romantic partners.
• 28 percent had gone back to being just friends.
• 31 percent reported having no relationship of any kind with their former FWB.

As you can see, some relationship outcomes were more likely than others, but it's clear that the vast majority of FWBs dissolved over the course of the year. However, most participants still maintained at least some type of relationship with the other person, with only about 1 in 3 cutting off all contact.

Whether an FWB relationship works out depends on why you got into it.

Importantly, we found that some relationship goals seemed more attainable than others. Specifically, those who wanted to go back to being just friends appeared to be the most successful: 59 percent of those who desired that outcome at Time 1 attained it at Time 2.

Those who wanted to remain FWBs long-term were somewhat less successful, with 40 percent of those desiring this at Time 1 reporting that they were still FWBs at Time 2.

Lastly, those who wanted to transition into romantic partners were the least successful, with just 15 percent of those who initially wanted this outcome getting it after one year.

One of the other key things we found was that among those who reported maintaining at least some kind of relationship with their partner over time—whether it was sexual or non-sexual—they reported more communication around setting ground rules at Time 1. Those who were less communicative were more likely to report having no relationship whatsoever at Time 2.

We found a similar pattern of results for friendship satisfaction: Those who were happier with their friendship at the outset were more likely to maintain some kind of relationship over time.

Also, when we asked people who were no longer FWBs at Time 2 to describe why they thought things didn’t work out, the most commonly endorsed reasons were that they didn’t communicate enough in the beginning and that they wanted different things from the relationship.

While these findings certainly aren’t representative of all FWBs, and more research on this topic is warranted, they do suggest a few important conclusions. One is that most FWBs appear to be pretty temporary and either dissolve or change form in less than one year. Also, it appears that some people are more successful at getting what they want out of FWBs than others.

Bottom line:

According to our research, the real key to making FWBs work seems to have a lot to do with matching expectations, excellent communication, and a solid friendship to start.

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