5 Dating Tips For Finding the Right Person
Life as a single person can be really wholesome. It’s your time to truly be independent, try things you never have before, go for things you otherwise wouldn’t, tan at the beach for 6+ hours because you don’t have someone nagging you to go home.
I loved being single. It was one of the greatest seasons of my life — but dating is fun too. What’s more, fun is dating the right person for you. Too often, we get so excited to fall in love that we go out on multiple dates that end terribly, which make us feel like dating or love simply isn’t in the cards for us.
I felt that after my last relationship ended, I remember thinking it’s fine, I’ll just be the hot auntie who travels all the time and isn’t tied down to anyone — because why let myself get tied down if I’m constantly going to be disappointed?
My friends — and family all grew up in an environment in which you live with your parents, find a husband, move in with your husband, and have babies.
They went from being under their parent’s roof and under their parent’s control to living under their husband’s roof and being under their husband’s control.
They had no freedom, no time to explore, no time to experiment or see what else the world has to offer. They were all in such a rush to get out that instead, they ended up simply going from one cage to another. Now, several of them are in unhappy and failing marriages.
I’ve been dating my partner now for nearly 3 years, and I can confidently say this season of my life — while obviously different from my single life is just as good if not better. With that being said, I wanted to share a few tips for all the singles out there who are ready to step out of their single life and into a relationship.
Don’t look for someone to complete you.
“But I’m not looking for anyone to complete me as a person. Rather I’m looking for someone to enhance me. Advance me. Romance me.” — The Female Hustlers.
What does that mean to you? Read it over again.
A partner isn’t meant to fill any void inside of you; you’re not supposed to show up with an empty cup and expect them to constantly refill it by providing you with endless happiness and catering to all your needs and desires.
A partner is someone who enhances your life; I love that word; enhance.
The dictionary definition for it is; intensify, increase, or further improve the quality, value, or extent of.
This means when you start dating, your partner should be adding to your life. Your life should already be in a good and wholesome place when you meet them.
They’re improving the quality of your life with their presence, their jokes, their thoughts, and their opinions — however, if they weren’t there, you would be okay because you’re more than capable of standing on your own two feet and being happy on your own.
You can’t expect another person to complete you because it sets unrealistic expectations in a relationship. People are complex. I’ve always believed in soulmates, but no two people fit seamlessly, and you can’t rely on someone to be the key to your happiness.
If you look for someone to “complete you,” you’re going to attract people who are also trying to fill the void in their lives, which doesn’t exactly provide a foundation for a healthy relationship.
When I met my partner, I wasn’t looking for him to complete me. My single life taught me that the only person who can truly satisfy me and make me whole is, well, me.
Establish a friendship first — or at least a connection.
When you stop putting so much emphasis on whether or not the person in front of you will make a great partner, parent, sexual partner, emotional support partner, etc, then you can focus on things like:
- Do we get along?
- Do we have similar values and morals?
- Are we on the same wavelength?
- When we spend time together, does it strain me? Do I feel negative in their presence?
Establishing a friendship helps you figure out if you’ll get along with the person in front of you without having the extra pressure.
Learn to focus your attention on what they’re saying, what their responses are, how they respond to you, are they so quick to respond that you barely ever finish a sentence? Is everything always about them? Do you feel like they provide you with a safe environment to speak freely?
Loosen the focus on your internal thoughts and stay fully present at the moment. It’ll also help take your mind off worries and insecurities and prevent you from wondering what your future kids will look like when you haven’t even been on a second date.
Look out for red flags on the first few dates.
You might be so eager to get into a romantic relationship right now that you’re willing to overlook things you normally wouldn’t.
For instance, one of my closest friends is on the hunt for a boyfriend. Despite her best efforts and my best efforts to tell her to focus on herself, she seems to constantly go for guys who aren’t serious or have personal issues.
Red-flag behaviors will indicate that a relationship isn’t going to lead to healthy, lasting love. You have to trust your instincts and pay close attention to how the other person makes you feel despite how you might feel in the present moment.
You might feel good when they finally take you out on a date and call you beautiful after multiple drinks, but you’re going to feel insecure and undervalued when they drop you off and don’t respond to your messages for over a week.
Look for someone who manages their emotions well.
If you gave the person you’re with honest and constructive criticism, how would they react?
Are they the type of person to lash out at you and start pointing out your flaws? Threaten to leave you for insulting them?
I was around 17 when I dated someone extremely manipulative and emotionally abusive, I don’t recall the context of our conversation, but it had to do with how negative he was about everything — which he was.
He was outraged, furious, angry, yelling, and unable to take what I had to say into consideration. It wasn’t that I hurt his feelings — I didn’t; it was purely the fact that he couldn’t handle his emotions when someone tried to correct him or give him advice on something.
Look for the person who will appreciate your constructive criticism (and make sure it’s actually constructive, don’t call your partner names or put them down) even if it’s hard for them to accept it.
Everybody has flaws, and sometimes we don’t even realize we have them. If you want to improve and advance as an individual and as a couple, getting feedback is something that can be extremely beneficial but not if you’re unable to control your emotions.
Is the person you’re interested in willing to have an intimate conversation with you over what’s bothering you without lashing out or causing unnecessary drama?
Are they confident enough in themselves to hear what you have to say without accusing you of being disrespectful? Are they open-minded?
Be bold and communicate what you’re looking for.
There’s nothing wrong with dating apps or meeting your partner in an unfashionable way. I met my partner on Instagram.
It’s 100% doable and a great way to get yourself out there, especially if you’re busy or new to a city. However, the problem is that a lot of people don’t use dating apps effectively.
If you’re struggling with people who are confusing you, flaking on you or “ghosting” you, then maybe it’s not even them — maybe it’s you.
Dating apps are good for one thing, and that’s meeting people. After that, it’s your responsibility to be bold and communicate what you want and what you’re looking for.
This isn’t easy; in fact, this will probably scare a lot of people away, but that’s not a bad thing because the people who freak out and dip out on you are the flakes and the people who you’re so sick and tired of going on dates with because they all turn out the same anyway.
It’s best to weed them immediately and not play their games.
When I was a waitress, I worked with a single mom who was looking for a serious relationship, and yet every guy she went out with she hid the fact that she was a mom and looking for a serious relationship. Her bio read something along the lines of, looking for a fun time.
So, of course, every person she went out with only had one thing in mind, and yet she wondered why on earth she couldn’t meet a guy who was willing to romance her and have a long relationship.
If you’re bold enough to tell someone exactly what you’re looking for and it scares them off, then it’s okay. You just did yourself a huge favor.
If sharing your true intentions scares someone off, then they probably don’t want the same things as you. Choose to see it as a blessing when someone eliminates themselves for you.
All you need to do is to be bold about your intentions and not be ashamed to admit what you want.
If there’s one thing you take away from this, I hope it’s that the best way to find love is to be the best, most authentic, and wholesome version of yourself.
This will help you attract people into your life who connect with you on your own level, as well as help you weed out the ones who don’t have a place in your life.