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James Garside

Tough Love Astrology — 7 May 2021

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James Garside
James Garside
 2021-05-07

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Here's the latest horoscope for your sign.

What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.

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Aquarius: People who respond to difficult, challenging, or provocative questions with moral indignation and answers like "How could you ask such a thing?" don't understand how questions work. Just because you ask a question about something doesn't mean you approve. I ask about Harry Potter all the time. This month: What questions would you ask if not for fear of reprisal? Expect the same level of candour from others.

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Pisces: A Twitter friend described herself as a potato masquerading as a human. Does that mean that they're a... wait for it... carbohydrate based lifeform? Thank you, I'll be here all week. Ok, I’ll see myself out. You're a tough crowd. This month: What ridiculous metaphor would you use to describe yourself? What silly analogy best explains your life? People say you want the moon on a stick. Guilty as charged.

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Aries: You hate morning people. And mornings. And people. People talk about 'the new normal.' Your new normal's working from midnight to about five or six in the morning. Then sleep for three or four hours. Then you're awake for the next couple of days without sleep. Then you watch cartoons. Sleep is for the weak. This month: What is your real new normal? Adapt life to your art, not the other way round.

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Taurus: You just want to write. You travel, take photos and get into adventures but only so you can write about them. You don’t want to work for anyone else. And you don’t want to market my work as though it’s predicated on serving the needs of others. You may die in a ditch but at least you're honest. This month: What do you really want to do? How can you do it? What are you willing to sacrifice to make that dream a reality?

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Gemini: People say there's a plot hole in Terminator 2. The T-1000 shouldn't be able to time travel because it's made out of liquid metal and nothing metal can go through. You disagree. It's a mimetic polyalloy. Just wiggle your eyebrows and say that it's organic, alive, or able to mimic human flesh. You may be overthinking this. This month: What are you overthinking? What are the simplest solutions to your convoluted problems?

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Cancer: You told a writer friend to finish their work or pay someone else to do it. You're available as a motivational speaker by the way. Another writer added: "That's the best advice you can give a writer. Get to The End." Your friend was amused and hopefully got some writing done. Sometimes you feel like it's your mission in life to shout supportively at people. This month: What do you need to hear to get you over the hump? Shout it out.

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Leo: Every time you see a picture of a dog or cat on the internet you secretly boop its nose. True story. This month: What deep dark secrets do you have? Share them with someone. You're not alone. We've all been there. It's just that some of us have been there a lot more than others. As Hunter S. Thompson said: "I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me."

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Virgo: Your life feels like a cheap version of The Great Escape. You drove your life and career prospects into a ditch and now you're poor, at the mercy of others, and being gaslighted by narcissists. You need a new job, a new life, to live by yourself, and to get away from everyone. You feel like you're trying to dig your way out with a spoon. This month: What film best represents your life? What are you going to do about it?

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Libra: You work incredibly hard but worry you don't work hard enough. Then you crack a joke about being incredibly lazy and people who don't know you assume that you're a jerk. Maybe it's the other way round. The point is you're not doing yourself any favours by being modest or trying to hide your light under a bushel. This month: Where are you selling yourself short? What could you do or say instead that shows you in a better light?

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Scorpio: Americans arrange to chat with me in the UK but often get the time wrong and assume that means I’m late. As though my timezone should change to suit them. If someone books a time with you in your timezone then they should be on time in your timezone. If they get it wrong that's their problem, not yours. It's not your job to fix it for them. This month: What line in the sand will you draw? Stick to your guns.

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Sagittarius: Do you need help? Yes I need help. I just thought I'd see if there was any way I could help. Please help. Ok if there's anything I can do to help just let me know. You can help! So you don't need any help? That's great. HELP ME! Does any of that sound familiar? This month: Get good at asking for what you want. People are horrible but don't like to be seen as horrible. These should not be thought of as separate things.

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Capricorn: If there's one thing you hate then there's probably a bunch of other things too. Your current pet hate is people, including family members, who say things like “Well that’s your opinion” or “I’m just as entitled to my opinion” when confronted with SCIENCE or FACTS. No. Your opinion isn’t just as valid as any other. Your opinion is wrong. This month: What fatuous nonsense are you no longer willing to put up with?