Tough Love Astrology — Your Fate Revealed
Here's the latest horoscope for your sign.
What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.
Aquarius: This week you have imposter syndrome. That’s good because you’re a total fraud. Nobody loves you. Everybody knows. Your friends and work colleagues hold secret meetings about you in the local pub. I’m just kidding. They meet down by the docks. Stop beating yourself up about nothing you fool. Like I said I’m just joking. Just believe in yourself. You’ve totally got this.
Pisces: Life is a journey. Time is a truck. You are roadkill. If you don’t want to be roadkill then get on the bus. It’s a long journey so you might want to go to the toilet before you set off. And, remember, it’s much easier to ride the bus in the direction that it’s going.
Aries: Go or get off the pot. Can’t you see that there’s a queue here? Other people desperately need to use the loo. Do your business as intended or accept that you won’t, pull your pants up, and get out of there. Either way remember to wash your hands. You’re not an animal.
Taurus: You have to eat a peck of dirt before you die. Stop me if you've heard this one. Does that mean that if you don't eat dirt you're immortal? Best not try to put that theory to the test. Eat plenty of dirt. Talk to strangers. Beware of cats. Your lucky number is seven.
Gemini: Your heart’s in the right place. In a jar on your desk. Next to the much bigger jar of formaldehyde that contains your twin. Why did you kill your twin? And why did you put it in a jar on your desk. That’s a stupid place to hide a body. This week you bury it in the woods.
Cancer: You know that old joke about two people in the jungle who get chased by a lion. One says: “We’ll never be able to outrun a lion.” The other says: “I’m not trying to outrun a lion. I’m just trying to outrun you.” Well that. But you’re the lion. And it’s no laughing matter.
Leo: This week will be your best week in about the last 10 years. Or it won’t. Either way you’re still here. You have everything you need. And, short of a great big neon sign pointing in the direction you need to travel, you know exactly what you need to do. Chin up. Fight on.
Virgo: Want to be a morning person? Every day before you go to bed fling yourself into a tree. You’ll wake up with the birds… WHO HURT YOU?!! Stop trying to be so productive all the time. Maybe have an early night, try to get some sleep, or read a book at bedtime or something.
Libra: You ever noticed how Libra sounds a bit like library? That’s because your natural habitat is a library. I made that up but go to a library this week. You’re allowed to drink tea and eat flapjacks there to your heart’s content so long as you don’t get anything on the books.
Scorpio: Are you insecure about something? You should be! Here’s the secret truth about something you don’t know but feel insecure about anyway. Followed by 10 completely made up reasons that anyone will read anything so long as it’s a list. Self-help doesn’t help. Help yourself.
Sagittarius: Some days you’re the mouse. Other days you’re the cheese. This week you’re mostly a mouse made out of cheese being chased by a great big cat who’s lactose intolerant. Who or what is the cat in this metaphor and what does it want from you? That’s what you need to work out.
Capricorn: You’re being chased by a swarm of angry bees. Luckily they’re far away so if you keep going they won’t be able to catch up with you. Still, remember to be kind to bees — it’s not their fault that they’re angry. We’ve totally messed them up. There's no need to rub it in or be mean about it. Behave yourself.