My Ex and I Continued to Live Together After Our Divorce Because We Couldn’t Afford to Live Apart

Why would anyone want to stay living with their ex-spouse once they end their marriage? This may sound strange to many. It may even sound awful to some. And yet, for some divorcees, continuing to live together after they split up is actually a decision they agree to make.

My ex-husband and I did. We cohabitated under the same roof for an entire year after we separated. It just made sense to us at the time. The main reason we took this route was because neither of us could afford to live separately at that time.

We’d lost everything in the financial crisis of 2008. My ex-husband had been a real estate investor. Then the housing crisis hit, and housing prices plummeted. He could no longer afford to hold onto the properties he owned.

One by one, they went back to the bank. He was ruined. That's when he borrowed money in my name, investing it in what turned out to be a Ponzi scheme.

We lost more money. As you can imagine, this all had an impact on our relationship. Experts claim financial issues are the leading cause of divorce, after all.

The mounting stresses caused by our financial losses definitely exacerbated any other issues we might have had. We made the tough decision to separate. But that's when it hit us: could we even afford to set up separate households?

With my credit score in the toilet, I couldn’t get an apartment on my own without having someone with good credit cosign with me. My ex was unemployed at the time. He couldn’t afford to move out either.

We both realized we really didn’t have a choice but to continue to cohabitate. At least, we were lucky to get along well enough to do this.

I started sleeping in the guest room though. Soon enough, we even began dating other people. Continuing to live together after our divorce worked for us. I’d even say it was beneficial for our family—especially for our kids.

But we’re not the only people who have come up with this solution. Though we no longer live together at this point, we, like many other divorcees in this country, realized still living together could help us.

I don't doubt that more people will come to this decision as our economy continues to tank as a result of the pandemic.

In the pandemic economy, divorcees just can’t afford to live apart.

Unfortunately, the pandemic has brought about the worst economic crisis in recent history. The Labor Department released an employment report in June 2020 that showed that nearly 18 million Americans were out of work.

Americans have lost their jobs, either because the businesses where they once worked have temporarily closed—or worse, they’re out of work because their entire industries have shuttered.

The problem is, people haven't stopped divorcing. In fact, divorce rates have only increased in recent months.

And yet, because of financial issues related to the pandemic crisis, some divorcees may literally not be able to afford to set up separate households. Like my ex and I, they may also have to continue to live together until they have the financial means to live apart.

It’s good for the kids.

That said, cohabitating after a divorce can be good for people, especially when there are children involved. No one can argue that divorce is good for kids. It can be incredibly traumatic for children. If parents can do anything to ease this trauma, then why wouldn’t they want to try?

That’s another reason, many divorced couples are making the choice to stay living under the same roof. This option has become so popular, it prompted San Francisco-based therapist Susan Pease Gadoua to even coin the term “parenting marriage” to describe the new trend of divorced parents who stay living in the same house for the sake of the children.

According to expert blogger Sylvia Smith, a parenting marriage is “a business partnership, or houseshare with a mutual focus upon a specific responsibility, in this case — to raise your children.”

My ex and I definitely had a parenting marriage during the period when we were still living together. I believe it truly was healthier for our children.

I would say it helped me as well. I benefited by continuing to share daily parenting responsibilities with my ex. Now that we live apart, my workload definitely increases on the days I’m alone with our sons.

According to Shawn Leamon, a divorce expert, parenting marriages do help shield children from the trauma of divorce.

“After witnessing their parents separate, children are frequently concerned that their lives will never feel normal again. However, if both parents reside in the same house after the divorce, children have some sense of normalcy.”

Leamon adds:

“This method is an excellent way to practice models of civility for children. Then they will understand that two parties can work together, even though they disagree. This lesson provides the sense of togetherness that young children need to thrive.”

I’d hope that this is what my ex and I did for our kids. The loss of my ex-husband’s business had created enough chaos in our household. Did we really need to create more by splitting up the family at that point?

But like I said, we were lucky. Though we’d been at each other’s throats while we were still married, our divorce eased the tension enough for us to get actually get along while we lived under the same roof in our divorced state.

During the pandemic, more divorced parents are deciding to live together.

Keeping the family together even after parents divorce can also help the children feel more at ease during this crazy time. Life is decidedly not normal at the moment. Team sports in many states are on hiatus. Playgrounds are closed. Add to that the fact that many schools have been closed for months and kids are learning remotely.

Some kids haven’t had a single playdate since the coronavirus outbreak started. And now their parents are splitting up? It’s too much for them.

Cohabitating after a divorce is also good for families when trying to figure out how to maintain a social bubble to protect against contracting the coronavirus. My ex and I definitely worry about this now that we are living apart.

Though we are both very careful about exposing ourselves to situations where we might catch the virus, we still both worry about infecting each other somehow. The fact is, there is much more of a chance of this happening now that we’re not living together.

Creating social bubbles is definitely an advantage to continuing to live together after a divorce. Some divorced couples are even moving back in with each other as a means to create social bubbles.

Lisa and Henry Drake are one such divorced couple in Canada. They lived in separate homes before the pandemic but moved back in together as a solution to co-parent during an era of social distancing.

Henry told NBC: “There’s been a couple of snappy moments in the morning when we wake up and haven’t had our coffee in the morning, but we’ve done pretty good.”

A little bickering is a small price to pay for being able to see his son every day but also to ensure everyone in the family is living in the same bubble so no one spreads the coronavirus to one another.

The takeaway.

Even as I promote the idea of picture-perfect parenting marriages, I know such an arrangement isn’t an option for everyone. For some couples, living together after divorce is not feasible. No matter how many advantages there are to cohabitating post-divorce, once a couple decides to separate, that’s it. They want nothing more to do with each other.

For people in abusive marriages, this definitely isn’t an option. And yet, for those divorcing couples where no abuse is present, if they can agree to shelve their differences for the sake of the family, living together even after their relationship legally ends can still be helpful on many fronts.

It was for my ex and me.

During the pandemic, this option can be even more beneficial to divorced families. Many more may decide to take this route.

In fact, cohabitating after divorce may even become the “new normal.”

Photo by Jack Sparrow.

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