In a week when Manchester City and Chelsea exposed Qatar FC and Real Madrid as combustible nearly men and the world’s most expensive but underpowered over-35s team, you might think we’d end it talking about one of the above superpowers. But when Mike Ashley speaks The Fiver can get its job done in half the time, giving us the opportunity to hit the Tin early and wind up barfing into our fireplace in the style of everyone’s favourite “power drinker”. And so it is that Ashley has popped the noggin above his massive pile of naff trainers and Lonsdale tat to bark wildly about “dark forces” in football that have been, wait for it, preventing Newcastle from “becoming the powerhouse that the fans deserve”. Honk indeed! It’s the kind of blather you’d expect to hear from David Icke, Richard Keys or, erm, Ashley.