Mark Hayter

If you were born in the 90s, there’s a good chance you’ve never eaten a watermelon with seeds in it. The idea of watermelons ever having seeds may have never crossed your mind. Well, I’m here to tell you, they were here. And I’m one of many who had to put up with them. I don’t ever want to relive those days.

I need you to know that I’ve got reasons for most of the stuff I do. It wasn’t always that way, but I’m proud to say, that I’m now the most reasonable person I know. To the degree, I wouldn’t even want to be around people who are more reasonable than I am.

Brad Meyer and I were on our way to CorkScrew BBQ last week when I commented on the cyber ransomware attack on the largest meat producing company in the world. I managed to inject the story into our discussion on BBQ. Let’s face it CorkScrew BBQ is terrific, but it’s...

Had I known I was going to age this poorly I would’ve had treatments done on several parts of my body. Kept tabs on my hair a little closer. I used Rogaine for about 15 years, but kept forgetting to daub it on, so I just quit buying the stuff. Now, look at me.

Kay told me that if I’d go to the grocery store this morning, she’d mow the lawn. I begged her to change her mind, but she’d have none of it. Did I marry right, or what?. As usual, I did find a couple of things I needed to add to her grocery list, but I didn’t fault her for not including them. It could’ve happened to any dope who would rather mow the lawn than go to H-E-B. One of the things I had to add to the list was “See about dresses.”

There are so many phases that we must experience in our travels through life. There comes a time when we lose a tooth. Three lost teeth later, we learn that we were supposed to get a dime each time we lost one. Today, I think kids get a new bicycle with their third lost tooth.

BACK PORCH -- I miss the rooftop. I could see so much more stuff going on from the roof of our old house in Lake Forest Falls. Critters would run across the yard, and birds flew all over the place looking for … something. I assume they had purpose. Some of them would land on our wooden Jungle Gym where they’d sit and try to attract females by singing. I could’ve told ‘em it wouldn’t work, but I didn’t want them to notice me.

Being retired is no picnic. It can involve a picnic, but only if you want it to. Entirely up to you. I know retired people who would have to be dragged to a picnic. I’m one of ‘em. The point I’m desperately trying to make here is that retirement is...

Do you know what the most used announcement in the US of A is? No, don’t guess. You’ll just mess me up. The most oft-used attention getter is “Breaking news!” which surpassed “This just in!” in May of 1917. Possibly. I can just see a group of reporters in an...

First off, I would like to apologize to the fine folks of Australia. For Aussies everywhere, let me tell you that I’m sorry. - Boy, I’m glad I got that off my mind. It was early March when I wrote an article where I made it known that I didn’t want to live in Australia because of all the poisonous animals. They have poisonous fish, insects, arachnids, snakes, octopi, jellyfish, sponges, toads, honey bees, worms, and snails. Crikey! They also have a poisonous frog, but you only die if you eat it. Not a problem for me.

Something happened to me last week that caused great discomfort to my person, both physically and psychologically. -- That intro caused three readers to leave this read. But four of you are hanging in there like grim death, and I love you for it. What the three don’t realize is that what happened to me will lead me in a curious direction, one that all others shall miss. - Naw, you four get back here! You’ll like this.

BACK PORCH - You can see how I spent my Spring Break. I’m back on the back porch, evaluating the events of the past week. Kay is in the house having a late-night snack of egg salad and crackers. The girl hasn’t been eating much of late, and what she does eat defies her norm.

BACK PORCH - I’ve pretty much had it with the birds. After saving millions of them during the Big Freeze, I’m ready for them to go it alone for awhile. In other words, I think they’re taking advantage of me. At the moment, there are three empty bird feeders out...

Pretend you’re at a gathering of friends, family and acquaintances. From out of the blue, someone asks you to reveal one or more important lessons that you learned in life. I have asked a few of my family and friends the same question and am awaiting their emailed responses. Until they begin to come flooding in, I’ll share some of mine.