Words have power. They can either hurt or encourage, heal or destroy. So, whatever you say in a relationship matters. Sometimes, anger and frustration can force the wrong words out of your mouth, and remember that words can never be taken back. The after effect is usually regretted. And although humans make mistakes, there are some phrases you should avoid saying to your partner.
The following are 5 phrases you should never say to your partner, reasons why those phrases are toxic, and more healthy alternatives.
1. ‘‘Why Do You Never/Always… ?’’
These words, “Never” and “Always” should be avoided at all cost in any argument, because they are usually said out of anger, and are not always true, they are usually accusatory.
Your partner may indeed show up late for dates, they might forget to pick up the groceries, or maybe to take out the trash or make up the bed, or they may even forget to call or text you, but that does not mean they are not thinking about you. When you use those two words in an argument with your partner, discourages them from trying to do better, you indirectly pitch to them the idea that they can never do anything right, that you don’t believe they can ever change. These will cause your partner to stop trying to get things done.
What you should instead say is: Remember to Stick to the facts and be specific. For example, don’t say this “You never offer to help me with the I take out the trash ”, try saying something like this “You upset me yesterday when I took out all the trash and you didn’t offer to help me.”, sounds better right?
2. ‘’If You Really Loved Me, You’d Do It.’’
Getting “No” after you ask your partner for something you really want is a really bad feeling. We have all been there. You might have a second time but still, receive a big loud “NO”. So, you go right ahead and say these words out of frustration: “if you really loved me, you’d do it.”
That phrase may feel right and harmless at first, but it isn’t. It is toxic because it’s a form of emotional blackmail. It is disrespectful and a power play.
You subconsciously try to manipulate your partner into doing what they don’t want, simply because you want things to be done your way. But the truth is, we can not always get what we want.
So, instead of using that line and trying to manipulate your partner emotionally, try discussing it with your partner. Ask their reasons for saying no, by using the line “I don’t understand why you don’t want to do this. Can you please explain it to me?”. Learning to compromise is an important character trait in a relationship. So if u discuss it but they still refuse, just respect their decision.
3. “My Ex Did *That* Better.”
Comparing your exes with your present partner should never ever be an option. It is not only annoying but disrespectful and so hurtful. It will not only hurt them but also create insecurity between you and make your partner feel not good enough for you. There is absolutely no reason to bring up your ex in conversations, or arguments with your partner.
It is really toxic because your partner will have the idea that you are not yet over your ex, and it is unhealthy and damaging to your relationship.
Instead of comparing, try to be honest and express your feelings without mentioning your ex or anyone else. So try saying this instead “I didn’t like that thing/that kind of behavior and I think we should talk about it.”
4. “You Have To Do This.”
There might be some things we don’t like about our partners. You may dislike his dressing style, his accent, and attitude, and we have a really long list. But have u ever asked yourself why you want that person to change? Most people don’t even have reasons, all they want is change.
Take note that our partners don’t “have to” do things they don’t want to do. Telling them they “have to do” things without giving reasons for your request is a form of controlling behavior. It makes them feel controlled and inferior. What you should say instead is: “I’d like you to/I think that you should do *insert a thing*because…”
Some more examples: “I’d like you to help me take out the trash more often because it’s exhausting to do them all by myself.”
“I think you should quit drinking because it makes you behave harshly to me.”
“I’d like you to wear white more often, it radiates your beauty.
5. “You Shouldn’t Feel This Way.”
It is never a good idea to talk your partner out of their feelings because it is not only offensive, but it goes further to trigger defensive. Everyone has the right to feel the way they want, we view scenarios from a completely different point of view. You cannot tell your partner how they should or shouldn’t feel
As Leon F.Seltzer explains in his article in Psychology Today that all “should” are judgemental. By using this word, you make your partner feel that their feelings are unjustified.
To wrap up
It is indeed true that no human is perfect, but it does not mean that we should not put any effort into being better people.
We should try to watch and control what we say to our partners during conversations and arguments.